Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Man, I love stupid criminals

There's a story on IOL today that I found funny but really sad.


(I'm not sure the link will work because I'm sending this in via email)

Four armed men attempted to hi-jack someone on Sunday, but the dude got
out of his car, pushed them away and stole their getaway vehicle and
drove it to the nearest police station. One of the hijackers then went
into the police station to report his car stolen when a woman who was
there to report that she had been raped recognised him as her assailant.
That's karma!

But what's actually really sad is that a hardened criminal feels
comfortable enough to walk into a police station to report a failed
crime. It's also really sad that so many woman are raped in South
Africa every day that this unlikely coincidence was likely simply a
statistical probability. Man, the more I think about it the more this
country sucks. You hear stupid criminal stories all the time, but
mostly they deal with petty thefts and other misdemeanors, but here in
South Africa we apparently do everything better.

Oh, btw, they caught all the hijackers. Sterling police work there. As
long as all criminals walk into the cop shop while their accusers are
standing right there the crime problem could be over in a couple of

In other news


(again, not sure if you'll get the link)

The "Homeless World Cup" was held at Grand Parade here in Cape Town over
the course of last week. The irony was that homeless people in the city
couldn't afford the tickets to enter the grandstand. However, that
didn't stop them from thronging to the city centre to generally hang
around and make a nuisance of themselves. Over the last week I've seen
some truly amazing specimens of crazy and drunk, sometimes both at the
same time.

I have absolutely no problem with homeless people. I can understand
that they've found themselves in an incredibly bad situation with very
few options. In a lot of cases disability or mental illness plays a big
part those situations and limits the options even more, but there are
always options.

There's one guy who stands at the robots going out of pinelands in the
mornings collecting rubbish from people's cars for their spare change.
When I first saw this idea about 3 years ago I thought it was absolutely
brilliant, inspired in fact, and used the service as often as possible.
Since then every beggar at a robot has a bag, as if to say "I'm not
lazy, I'm here working". This guy in Pinelands is different, he really
takes his "job" seriously and acts in a professional manner. He's even
started an added value service telling me about the road worthiness of
my car, "that tire's a little flat sir" or "your back indicator isn't
working". I really hope he does well. I'm stoked every time I see him
just because he's trying to do something.

There's this other homeless dude that I see quite a lot around work.
He's always around, sometimes sitting in the sun, sometime sheltering
from the rain and sometimes digging in the trash for food, but he's
always smiling and never asks anybody for anything. That's a big deal
to me. He probably sleeps at a shelter and spends his day's doing what
little he can to make his life bearable, he seems to be making the best
of his situation. Sure he's not actively trying to improve himself but
he isn't asking for a handout either, he's found a zen state that works
for him, and I totally respect that. I've got this agreement with
myself that whenever I win big at poker I give some money to somebody
less fortunate, I figure that I've gotten lucky and somebody else
deserves to share in my luck. This guy is my dude of choice, it may
take a couple of until I see him again, but when I do I give him some
cash. The first time he was a bit apprehensive and when I told him to
get some food he asked if he could buy some clothes instead. The
important thing here is that even though I've given him substantial
amounts of cash, substantial to him anyway, on a number of occasions,
he's never every even approached me, not even for a cigarette.

Another homeless person I should mention is John "The Bergie". I first
met John outside Tokai library when I was still in varsity. He was
selling a "newspaper", hand written and photocopied, outlining his views
of current events that were important in his life. He had such an
awesome sales pitch that I just had to buy one. I've since seen him all
over Cape Town with his duffle bag and "newspaper" in hand. He landed a
Job with FHM magazine as a product reviewer in a column called "Ask a
Bergie". Last time I saw him he was proudly telling me how he gets keep
all the stuff he reviews. I also bought a copy of his "newspaper", a
bumper 16 pages with covers hand coloured in crayon. His email address
and website were listed under editor.

I suppose my message is "Don't be a victim". These three guys are
making the best of their bad situation, not simply relying on others for
a hand out, and getting really upset and aggressive when you refuse to
give them something for doing absolutely nothing.

Speaking of aggressive beggars. Last week while I was having a smoke
break outside I was handed a flyer about the new nuisance laws that the
city is trying to pass. It showed photographs of the various offences
and listed the applicable fines. Examples are: Hanging clothing to dry
on a public fence - R40; Touching other peoples property without
permission - R400; Roadside vehicle repair (other than emergency repair
- R400; Selling goods in public without a license - R100; the list goes
on. I was really impressed that the city was making people aware of the
new law, until I actually read the flyer. It as in fact from a bunch of
bleeding heart organisations that felt that the rules were unjust and
infringed on the rights of the poor. These guys seem to think that it's
fine for folks to hang washing on fences and touch your property without
permission. They were actually wanting people to contact their
councilor and get them to scrap the bill. What fucktards. Yes people
have rights, and those rights are the ones being protected by the law.
I don't want people touching my shit because they just want to, I don't
want some dude fixing cars on the side of the road and taking business
away from my dad who is a legitimate tax payer and I especially don't
want beggars harassing my wife and becoming violent because she refuses
to give them money for doing nothing. Pass the god damned law already!

On the lighter side


(again don't know about link)

A woman's silicone implants saved her life when they acted as airbags in
a car accident. Funny stuff huh?

Am I blogging again? Maybe.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Domo Arigato Mr Roboto

Cool, A <a href="http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=31&art_id=qw1154668321444B215&newslett=1&em=34538a6a20060804ah">life sized Gundam</a>.  Hmmm, 1.5m tall?  Only in Japan.

Excuse me, WTF!

Dr Motsoko Pheko, head of the Pan Africanist Congress has demanded that white South Africans apologise for supporting apartheid and colonialism.  Seriously, I kid you not.
That's right according to Dr Pheko the blame for the current state of the nation falls entirely at the feet of each and every while South African.  I'm not even going to get into the whole debate about current troubles all being blamed on a set of laws that were effectively repealed 16 years ago.  I mean the wikipedia article on apartheid even lists it as the major causes of the HIV epidemic in SA.
Well Dr Pheko I've got news for you.  I will not apologise for something that was effectively over by the time I was 12.  I am sorry, ie I feel saddened, that thousands of native South Africans suffered terribly under a minority regime, but I will not apologise, and in so doing accept blame, for something I was not even vaguely a part of.  Oh, "Sins of the Father"? Fuck that Shit.
Seriously get you shit into gear and actually do something about the problems facing South Africa.  Stop ensuring support for yourself by barraging your supporters with smoke and mirrors intended to distract them from the real issues at hand.  Get down to it and set an example for other political parties in South Africa by attacking unemployment, lack of education, AIDS, corruption and crime.  But I realise that you'd prefer your supporters to remain mindless zombies that are easily bent to your will.  You and your ilk represent all that is fundamentally wrong with politics.
I understand that this is exactly the kind of response that you are hoping for, you'll be able to misrepresent it perfectly to show how unrepentant white South Africans are and how important it is that people follow you blindly in order to rid this country of them.   Go ahead, I don't care
schpat out

Monday, July 10, 2006

Who said this:

"Nxamalala  has already spoken, saying words of wisdom, telling the initiates they have graduated from boyhood to manhood and they would be expected to behave like men. They are expected to act responsibly as leaders of tomorrow."
It was Mini Gabavana of the Dosini clan at a celebration to mark the initiation ceremony of the king-designate of the AmaMpondomise tribe.  Who was he quoting?  Of course it was that paragon of virtue Jacob Zuma, "Nxamalala" is his traditional name.  
What is old JZ on?  He's just finished a rape trial where it was found that at the very least he had sex with an HIV positive woman under dubious circumstances, never mind his more than casual attitude to dealing with the worst pandemic in human history.  At the end of the month he'll be standing trail for corruption with regards to a multibillion dollar arms deal, and he's still campaigning!  Is he crazy, does he think the South African voting public are idiots that will ignore this kind of conduct?  The unfortunate answers to these two questions are "Yes", and "Yes".  The really concerning issue however is that he's probably right!
In a country internationally touted as a paragon of modern democracy it is in our leaders' interests to maintain a level of ignorance amongst the voting public.  Dissembling, obfuscation and misdirection are the tools that keep them in power.  This is by no means unique to South Africa, governments the world over have employed similar tactics to ensure blind fervor from their supporters, however elsewhere it doesn't always work.
In South Africa the public at large is told what to think.  You might think I'm being a little melodramatic or making bold, unsupported statements, but here's a quote from another article to back me up.  Sasco president Mandla Seopela said the students would stand by the ANC national general council's resolution that "he must be supported on the corruption issue".  In this case "he" is JZ. 
Now Thabo Mbeki is making statements that the arms deal was all conducted above the board with absolutely no government wrongdoing.  This claim seems to exonerate JZ and it would be interesting to see what would happen should he be found guilty later this year.  In all likelihood Thabo's proclaiments are simply a way to placate JZ and his followers leaving him outs no matter what the outcome of the trial.  Sneaky huh?  Well it's politics.
Recently JZ has lodged a civil case against the media for character assassination.  I think political cartoonist Zapiro summed it up perfectly when asked how he felt that JZ was suing him for damaging his reputation.  "What reputation?" he asked.
schpat out

Friday, July 07, 2006

Why haven't I been blogging?

Well not much has been happening, but that's never stopped me before. 
Work has basically blocked all access to message boards and forums (this includes blogs) and also blocked the emails of my rss feeds.  Being isolated from the blogosphere has kinda made me lose interest in the whole thing, but that's not the only reason I haven't been cranking out my usual monster posts.  The other factor is that I was very disappointed with the response to my blog contests.  Altogether only five people entered (when you count both contests) and I only received a total of ten votes, these were hardly encouraging results.  This left me disappointed and a little depressed that my effort to provide amusement and entertain was mostly ignored.  It was The Schpat Dope all over again, and it reminded me of another project that, while very close to my heart, was generally underappreciated by the intended audience.  I speak of course about SchpatCON. 
You see I've always been an organiser.  From as far back as I can remember I've been a person that gets things going.  People want a party? Sure, I'll sort it out.  Varsity is boring! Lets watch videos, I'll get the TV.  Varsity is still boring!  Let's get totally shit-faced and have ice fights and puke and pass out on the couch, I'll get the hooch.  Ok, that one seemed like a good idea at the time.  It could very well just be an intense need to be the centre of attention stemming from a poor self image and the fact that I wasn't breast fed as a baby, but I doubt it.  You see I like to make people happy, and I like to do cool shit.  That's the major reason I came up with the idea of SchpatCON in the first place.  It was a cool way for gamers who were no longer at varsity, and involved with CLAWs, to stay active in the scene and also to give the CLAW committee a chance to take part in an event without having to organise it themselves.
SchpatCON was first held at Tokai Library, a venue with a bunch of fond memories of the war gaming club I had a major hand in organising, and other things too.  I put hours into the event writing modules and organising prizes, of course I had some help with module writing.  The turn out was twelve people, the organisers had put in twice as many man hours as all the participants put together.  I was disappointed to say the least, but I decided to run another one in 2001.  That time we had a few more people, but nobody was very enthusiastic.  In fact everybody had left before it was even time to hand out the prizes.  To this day I still have R200 in Outer Limits gift vouchers floating around to remind me of my failure.  That's how I've been feeling lately, and probably the reason that there's been no news about SchpatCON this year.
Then last night a conversation about old times and past experiences reminded me just how much fun things used to be, and you know what, things in general weren't very different back then... but my attitude was.  I've realised that SchpatCON is not a failure.  By 2002 I was working with a team of people that are were so good that their enthusiasm energised me and made the whole thing worthwhile.  Together we've gone on to organise three of the best gaming events that I've ever attended, and I've had so many good times.  The general epiphany was that I just need to get off my arse and get on with things.  So I've started blogging again and "SchpatCON VII: Deadly Sins" is in the works.  I'll give out some more information about it at a later stage but for now just keep September 22-25 free in your diaries.
I'll be blogging again, but it probably won't take the same form as as before.

Monday, June 05, 2006


Online Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 6165065

They wanted this in the sidebar, but it was just too dang wide. I'm looking forward to it.

schpat out

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Ask a ninja

I was up late last night finishing off the latest installment in A Song of Ice and Fire by Geroge RR Martin, this after the poker. The poker was great, I made good decisions but went out when my opponent hit an three outer on the river, bummer but these things happen.

I'm not going to blog much today, I'm pretty tired, but for the benefit of your amusement I present: A Ninja!

For more of these great little shorts check out AskANinja.com.

schpat out

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Where's the Ninja

It's Wednesday, where's the Ninja? Rest assured he's here, you just cant see him! I have it on good authority that he'll make an appearance tomorrow. But beware, this ninja's main purpose in life is killing, just because you can't see him doesn't mean he can't see you.

In the meantime, wish me luck for the poker tournament tonight, it's going to be tough and see that I didn't get very much sleep last night it might be even tougher.

schpat out

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Return of the A game

This is a poker post, if you have no interest check back tomorrow when I might introduce you to a funny ninja.

Last night after catching up with LOST I fired up the poker machine for a game or two, you know, for practice. I stuck to the $3 + .40 single table SnG's and my B game put up a helluva fight in A's absence. In the first game a bubbled (that's finished one off the money) when I made a move with KJc and was taken out by A4o. In the next game I finished in 6th when JTh ran into A7, my J paired on the flop but my opponent stuck around (against the odd mind you) to suck out with a runner runner gut shot, but that's poker. I decided that if I lost another one I'd have had more than enough practice at losing, so one last game it was.

In the first hand I was dealt KK in the 6 seat. I bet 4xBB and got one caller. Exactly what I'd hoped for. The flop was KQQ rainbow, a fucking awesome flop giving me a full house. The only hand I was worried about was QQ for four of a kind, but as two time world champion Doyle Brunson says, you can't worry about four of a kind. I wanted to show weakness so I lead in with a small bet hoping to be raised by AK. AQ, KJ, QJ or even KQ or AA all of which were possible holdings by my opponent, hell it's internet poker he could have been holding K3o and would still have called. He did in fact call, not what I wanted, but ok. The turn was an 8 and I lead out again with a half-pot bet, he called, the pot's now up to about T$800 and the river is an J. sweet mother of Jesus I think, if he just paired his J I'm gonna score big, there's almost no chance he'd have played AA like that. He's called all the way so far so I pump on another half-pot bet of T$400 for value, he calls. What do you think he showed? That's right QQ. I paid him almost two thirds of my chips just to see four of a kind, thanks Doyle. Honestly I wouldn't have done anything different, The chances that he had that hand were so small the odds I was getting on my bets were great, incidentally he played the last street badly, with the nuts he should have bet out at me, I probably would have called and he could have won a lot more money. Doyle also says that big pairs are dangerous hands, either you win big, or you lose big. Thanks for stating the obvious.... never worry about four of a kind... grumble.

So I'm down to like T$600, out of T$1500, and looking like a complete schmuck, what am I to do now? In burst those mercenaries A game in tow with a sack on his head. The wasted no time tying him to a chair and beating him with rubber hoses until he saw the error of his ways and agreed to start playing again. Hell I even think the mercenaries got in on the action a little bit showing some real aggression. Within the space of ten hands I was chip leader, I rode that all the way to the end of the game, $15 cash, woo-hoo.

That game was over pretty quickly and I decided I needed more practice winning so I signed up for another. A game was really excited to rediscover how much fun winning was again. I had to make a few tough calls, like calling a all-in pre-flop with KQc, but ended up winning that one too. Total of $30 won for the night and a 120% ROI for the night.

I now have enough frequent player points for a cap.

I hope A game sticks around for tomorrow night, I could certainly use it. I want to get some more practice in this evening but I've got to get a good nights rest before the big game.

Tomorrow: a ninja.

schpat out

Monday, May 29, 2006

Dance Dance Revolution

I had a great Weekend. Saturday was spent with family, some German cousins are out in South Africa and we had a get together to say hi. It was a lot of fun to see people that I only vaguely remember form my childhood, they're good people. There was also awesome food. On Sunday I took Elisabeth out to the market at Green Point Stadium to buy african curios for her brother in Alice Springs Australia, I wonder if he likes egg on his pizza. We had breakfast at the News Cafe and then a really late lunch at the Tibetan Tea House in Simonstown. I had a sweet potato and pea curry with much ginger and it totally rocked. We also watched more LOST.

On the poker front, I took my solid B game to the tables last night to feed off the chum left after the weekly $1M on PokerStars. Lots of people pay $220 for the chance to win the $1M but most of them are really sucky players that drop out in the first hour, the ones that drop out in the first few minutes are the worst. These are they guys that are sitting around still wanting to gamble that I like to tackle in the micro stakes SnG's. I say me B game because my A game seems to be on holiday on some tropical paradise and not responding to the urgent voicemails I've left it. Still I played 4 games last night and cashed in 3 of them, two thirds and a second, for a total profit of $7.40 or a 54% ROI. Not too bad. I'm thinking of hiring a bunch of mercenaries to find my A game and bring it back kicking a screaming before my minitournament on Wednesday night.

There is so much fucked up shit in the news at the moment that I'm not even going to mention it here. If you're interested go check it out a IOL.

During my internet foray over the weekend I did come across this very funny video. It's only for people with large pipes, but extremely funny. Who say's white men can't dance?

Also, Fisherman's Friends are awesome, thanks to the guys at role-playing for suggesting them. I loves me the strong mints.

schpat out

Friday, May 26, 2006

Crazy SA

So you need more reasons to mistrust the police? Well here are two very good examples.

Firstly there's this story about a school girl that was forced to participate in group sex by two policemen while they recorded it on a cell phone. Later they distributed the footage via the internet and now are being charged with child pornography. They're freaky looking too, you can check out their pictures at the link above.

Secondly, remember how the cops caught the perpetrators of a major cash heist at JHB International about a month ago? Well in a robbery much like the "Lufthansa Job" portrayed in the movie "Goodfellas" some criminal scum robbed an aircraft full of foreign currency. Unfortunately they weren't as cleaver as Henry Hill and Jimmy Burke and got themselves caught. Brilliant work from the police department, what am I complaining about? Well their evidence safe was raided on Wednesday night and a very large chunk of the cash was stolen. Go guys!

Seriously I totally mistrust cops. The vast mast majority in this country are ill educated folks desperate for a job who will do anything, including putting their life on the line for very little remuneration. The salaries that South Africa offers our law enforcement officers is laughable, no wonder we can't attract superior level individuals into the job, and no wonder so many of our policemen become corrupt. If I was ever detained by the police I would make very sure someone I trusted knew exactly where I was. Although I could probably bribe my way out with a can of beans and a loaf of bread, and they could possibly be convinced to through in a stolen gun to sweeten the deal.

In other news:

Telkom is resistant to ICASA's demand that they get rid of monthly connection charges for ADSL lines. Telkom has threatened to simply raise other prices to make up for the shortfall. Note that that would only be a shortfall in revenue, it is estimated that of the R 477 charged for a 512K line the cost is only R39. Also remember that this "connection" fee is above your normal telephone line rental. Well I suppose that's what a monopoly can do for you.

Roy Bennet, a white Zimbabwean opposition member accused of trying to overthrow the Mugabe government, has been denied asylum in South Africa. The department of home affairs has not released reasons for denying him asylum but has pointed out that he is free to appeal. It's plainly obvious to anyone following the situation that should he be sent back to Zim he would undoubtedly suffer torture and even the death penalty. The only reason I can think of why asylum would not be granted is because the government wants to stay best buddies with good ol' Bob. Human rights aren't that important.

Ok folks enjoy your weekends and have fun, don't get caught by the cops!

schpat out

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Not a rant

Man I was going to rant about the Da Vinci Code and how so many people are cashing in on the CONTROVERSY!!11!!. I mean people writing books to confirm or debunk the book are just the beginning. The strangest cash in I've noticed is the J&B ad, that's right somehow J&B have linked the "mythical number phi" (maybe they mean number with mythical myths and stuff) witch is one of the things mentioned in Brows best selling work of FICTION!!!1!! But I'm not going to rant, everyone's doing it and I don't feel like conforming today, so just the minirant you got above then..

Here's something interesting stuff for you folks out in blog land.

A bunch of people in Port Shepstone, on the South African east coast, have spotted a UFO flying into the sea. Nobody has actually said "alien craft" yet but you know it's coming. Divers called off the search for wreckage because of rough seas, or because they are afraid we'll discover too much. ArchAngel is this true?

During my net trawling I found this site with an interesting way for you to market your company. With charity, models and nudity how the heck could it go wrong?

Here's an idea for a shirt that tucks itself in. What happens when it becomes uncomfortably tight? huh?

An interesting story of "boer maak 'n plan", that's 'farmer makes a plan' for non-south africans, this farmer dude created a warless network in a valley unserviced by any telecom company to provide his friends with internet access. Unfortunately in South Africa this is totally illegal. Wanker govt.

If you didn't thing your school outings were very exciting check out this one, where the entire class got sent to jail.

The security guards are still on strike and now the Labour Minister, Membathisi Mdladlana, has been asked to intervene. In a complete mutilation of the english language and of logic the minister said: "People are constantly calling on the minister to intervene in criminal activities. What do they mean when they say intervene? The only problem we have is the flexibility of the law," I'm not sure what he mean or if he even means anything. Wanker.

That's enough for today

schpat out

Monday, May 22, 2006

Totally Bitchin

It was Elisabeth's birthday on saturday and we were out the whole day doing stuff, we ended up having super at the Starlight Diner, man that place rocks. And it's open 24 hrs a day as zenstar found out on thursday night.

Also a comment made by Elisabeth months ago prompted me to bake her a special kind of cake for her birthday. It was one of those barbie doll cakes where the cake is decorated to look like a ball gown. For my first attempt at baking and my first attempt at decorating a cake I think it turned out pretty well. The final product was ready at about 23:30 on Saturday, just before the end of Elisabeth's birthday. We ate it with ice cream and chocolate sauce, mmm yummy.

Other than that I didn't play any poker but I did watch an interesting movie. "Waiting..." is an independent film about a group of people working in a chain restaurant. It stars a couple of C list actors and involves a very "interesting" game. The film reminded me of Clerks, but only about a quarter as cool. Still a quarter of infinitely cool is still pretty fucking cool!

I also finally got to see the last three episodes of Desperate Housewives Season One, meh. I think that exposure to Lost has ruined serialised drama for me. I hear Prison Break is pretty cool but compared to Lost it'll only be a fraction of infinitely cool.

I did read a couple of stories this morning that I felt were newsworthy enough for me to mention here:

The first is that an "unauthorised" biography on Thabo Mbeki was pulled from air at the last moment when it was discovered that "internal approval processes were not correctly followed". This was supposed to be part of a series of "unauthorised" documentaries about prominent South Africans. Is it just a coincidence that the one about the most powerful person in the company was not aired? This is after even Cosatu has admitted that too much power rests in the presidency.

The second is a story that outlines one of the many reasons I don't trust the police. Read the whole story for all the details but basically a guy was accused of stealing some coke by a security guard when leaving a shop. Even though the guy had handed his coke (purchased elsewhere) in at the parcel counter and could produce a receipt the security guards physically detained him and cuffed him to a pole outside the shop while they waited for the police. That evening, after urinating on himself and being mocked by the security guards, the police had not arrived and he marched off to the station where the police refused to inspect his receipt and he was thrown in jail until a magistrate freed him the next day. Fucktards. All the evidence was there in front of them, but they just couldn't have given a shit. Wankers! The due also lost his job because he failed to turn up for work and when he explained what happened the boss he was fired for having had a run in with the police. BTW this all happened a year and a half ago and now he's suing the government.

schpat out

Friday, May 19, 2006

Friday Afternoon Blamestorming

It's friday afternoon, everybody is ready to go home for a nice relaxing weekend and suddenly a hereunto unnoticed ELE springs up out of nowhere and ensures that people frantically run amok trying to put things to rights.. These issues are invariably impossible to resolve in a completely satisfactory manner and the hastily implemented resolutions usually result in further complications that nullify any actions taken.

Where do these problems come from?

Well that's an interesting question, but the real question should be how can this happen with such alarming regularity that it becomes predictable?

I have a theory.

Magic. That's right folks magic. You see, there is no way that people (and its normally the same people) only notice the signs of impending doom at 14:30 on a friday afternoon, this mysteriously happens three weeks out of every four. These "big" issues are "sold" to anyone that will listen until panic and frenzy are built up to sufficient levels that people will do anything to resolve the problem and I do mean anything. The normal rules and predefined processes are tossed out the window in the mad rush to fix "the problem", no regard is taken for the ramifications of the solution and the actual implementation of the solution is normally left up to either myself or a colleague.

So how does this relate to magic?

What's really going on here?

Well it takes one of two forms, but in both cases it's an illusion. Most often the problem is no problem at all but the frenzy makes the "Magician" (the guy that notices the issue) look good, and feel important. Furthermore a plethora of minor issues will be forgiven during the course of the next week and written off as they were "caused" by the hastily adopted fix for the "big" issue. The other, and more insidious, form of the illusion is when the "Magician" is unsure of the outcome of a decision he has made. In this instance the "Magician" approaches the "Volunteer" (that's either me or my colleague) and tells us that our implementation of an operational solution we have prepared based on his decision is fundamentally flawed and then proceeds to go home for the weekend making it impossible to fix. If all goes well with the operational solution he looks good because despite the "Volunteer's" incompetence his brilliant idea prevails, and if it goes badly he looks good because his brilliant idea would have worked if it wasn't for the incompetence of "Volunteers".

In both cases, and there are many subcategories, the "Magician" is distracting the "Audience" (the bosses) while he saws the "Volunteer" in half, literally.

But when I started this blog I promised not to mention too much about work, by the way my blog is one year old as of yesterday. If I think about that I started the blog because I was exited about seeing SWIII I've come a long way. 365 days, 133 posts and 4059 hits. I'm happy with what I've achieved here.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend

schpat out

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

It's never good when they run

"..certain splinter groups broke away from the main group and ran through the side streets of the CBD causing havoc as they went. The current situation calm and there is no evidence of splinter groups in the area.

We have been informed by the CCID that there is relative calm in the CBD..."

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the preceding was the latest news from the streets of Baghdad, but you'd be wrong. This is part of an actual email that I received from Campus Management at 15:30 today in the wake of the Security Worker protest in Cape Town. My God, what are things coming to.

And the winner is (drum roll)

Moonflake with quote A by a landslide.

Out of his Mouth: “Because he's hiding." —George W. Bush, responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005”

In his Head: “And I haven’t finished counting to 100 yet anyway.”

Moonie, let me know where you want your gift certificate from and I'll make sure you get it soon.

When I say landslide I mean 3 votes out of five, the other two went to C and F, with F receiving many honorable mentions in two other votes. Due to general lack of interest I don't know when I'll e running another blog contest, I will run one again, but probably not soon.

Again I have amassed hits on at least 6 of the seven continents, and probably Antarctica too. Go me.

Anyway, other than having tried to poison my wife nothing much has happened this week, life is boring.

schpat out

Ooh Ooh, there might be a Thurteem collaborative blog starting up soon, that's exciting.

This was yesterday's post btw

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Friday's Post

I didn't really have anything much to blog about today but something has come to my attention that needed mentioning to the general public, however I'll save that for last (I do have other less interesting things that happen to me you know!).

Firstly, Celery is the devil's putrid vegetable. I mentioned this to a colleague at lunch and he disagreed that the honor belonged to Aubergine. We did however agree that if they ever came together in an Unholy Aubergine & Celery Salad, it would be an evil not even Pope Benedict could fight.

Secondly, I ordered pizza from the Canal Walk Panarottis on Wednesday night. Elisabeth and I were in the mall but wanted a supper that we could take home and enjoy in front of the TV, so I phoned an order in to them for collection later. Now Elisabeth and I have a very standard pizza order from Panarottis, she has a "Rib rack" with half the normal amount of cheese (those damn kilojoules) and I have a "Burger Pie" with ribs instead of mince and extra cheddar (those wonderful kilojoules). After speaking to the moron on the other side of the phone for what seemed like an hour and having to repeat myself over and over until he understood we went to pick up our nosh half an hour later. When we got there I recognized the idiot manager who took my order (but I'll get back to that) and had to wait at the counter while he went to fetch the pizza.

While I waited an eternity the two teenage girl employees "hanging out" at the counter sighed restlessly and rolled their eyeballs as if to let me know that they were very put out by the fact that I'd interrupted their gripping conversation about how hot their respective teenage boyfriends were, how big a slut each of them hoped to be and the color of their vaginal discharge*. When the idiot manager returned the full enormity of the disaster that was my panarottis experience became apparent, the order had been fucked up. On Elisabeth's pizza they'd only put on half the cheese, but it was all on one side pf the pizza! And there were three burger pies, one large, one with ribs instead of mince and one with extra cheddar. WTF? Is there some kind of "One alteration per pizza" rule or some shit?

On confronting the manager he told me that the order was exactly as he'd taken it. I calmly explained that was most definitely mistaken, his head towards the kitchen he said: "oh, they probably made some mistake", nodding . At this point the hormone infested teenagers looked a little more bored and a little more put out by the fact that I was making issue with their pimply-faced overlord, I could sense that they wanted nothing more than for me to leave so that they could throw him down on a heap of pizza flour and pleasure him with the full extent of their sixteen year old sexual experience***. Me, very calmly: "Dude, you fucked up. Normally if you'd been apologetic and tried to sort the situation out I be more than happy to wait, but because you're being such a dick and trying to pass your mistakes on to people below you, you can keep your damn pizzas." I turned and walked out as he stood gaping and the teenagers reached for their birth control****.

But you know what made this fuck up the sweetest thing that happened to me all day? The idiot manager was the one who told us to move away from his restaurant because our zombie costumes were bothering his patrons, oh sweet sweet irony.

*pamphlets in the pharmacy** led me to to believe that that was what teenage girls talk about.

**don't you find pamphlets about all day feminine freshness and douching mildly offensive, what about literally hundreds of posters wallpapering your pharmacy?

***I may have read too much into it at this point though.

****again I didn't actually see this but I'm sure it happened.

Thirdly, I'm hoping on playing some 180 player poker tournaments this weekend, wish me luck.

Fourthly, vote in the bushism blog contest. The hard work of the entrants deserves to be rewarded.

Fifthly, and this is the one you've been waiting for. This dude in the states has dire need for you to visit his website. You see he needs 10 million hits very desperately. Why does he need that many hits you ask, well because if he gets them his girlfriend has to take part in a threesome! It all started with her calling him an idiot and a claim that there was no way he could create a website that would get ten million hits. It turned into a bet and he now has about 6 million. www.helpwinthebet.com

Suspecting treachery I googled and found another site,www.helpwinmybet.com, this time apparently needing 74 million bets to win. According to the second site the first one is copy cat and has nothing to do with him. It sounds like it's nothing more than a hype machine used to dispense ads, there are surprising few of these though, but what ever it is I'm always happy to help a young man achieve his goals. Go check it out.

schpat out

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

It's been a week

Hey folks, it's been a week since I posted the semi-finalists for my Bushism blog contest, now I finally have the six finalists for you to choose from. You'll get them later in this post. Why haven't I been blogging? Well actually I've been too bored to blog (2B2B). I'm not by any means a writer and this blog is merely an outlet used to give folks an insight into what I'm thinking and why, and if I have a particularly exciting experience I'll let you know about it here. Well no exciting experiences in the last week, and only the same old boring news that I'm sure everybody has heard and is totally disinterested in.

Ooh ooh, I did get a new bed! It's king-size and stands 72cm off the floor, 80cm if the new down duvet is on!

See, that currently passes for exciting.

Work has a lot to do with this funk, one of my colleagues has been on leave and I've had to pick up the slack, and the flack. I've been busy and not had much "amuse myself" time.

Anyway, enough about why I'm bored, let's get onto something I instituted to relieve boredom, the BLOG CONTEST.

That's right folks, about once a month I'm hosting a contest on my blog where one lucky person wins an actual prize. This month folks were tasked with letting us know what GW Bush was actually thinking when he uttered some of his more moronic statements. Three people entered and each gave an impressive sampling of their comedic wit. Alas there were just too many funny ones and so I asked for each of the three to choose two to be put to the vote. Here they are in no particular order.


Out of his Mouth: “Because he's hiding." —George W. Bush, responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005”

In his Head: “And I haven’t finished counting to 100 yet anyway.”


Out of his Mouth: "We are fully committed to working with both sides to bring the level of terror down to an acceptable level for both." —George W. Bush, after a meeting with congressional leaders, Washington, D.C., Oct. 2, 2001

In his Head: "My daddy always told me to aim for goals I can reach and not to seem too keen. Besides, if I say I will bring the level of terror down to zero they will all know I am lying"


Out of his Mouth: "Because the—all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those—changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be—or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the—like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate—the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those—if that growth is affected, it will help on the red."—Explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005

In his Head:

did i leave the gas on?



Out of his Mouth: "You believe in the Almighty, and I believe in the Almighty. That's why we'll be great partners." —George W. Bush, to Turkish Prime Minister Recap Tayyip Erdogan, Washington, D.C. Dec. 10, 2002

In his Head: "You like ham burgers I like ham burgers...no no, thats not going to work, the ham thing. Um...You like beer , I like beer..oops, nope...um what else do I like , um dont think he knows the hungry caterpillar, um God yes God, but he doesnt call him God, something with an A..um..um o yes!..."


Out of his Mouth:"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome." — Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005, on the reception of American forces in Iraq

In his Head: "but it SHOULD have been a peaceful welcome - don't these arabs watch fox news? EVERYBODY watches fox news!"


Out of his Mouth: "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

In his Head: “I mean, look at mermaids…That’s proof right there.”

Ok readers, now it's your turn to decide who wins the R100 gift certificate, send your votes, by letter, to schpat@gmail.com, you have until start of day tuesday the 16th. The entrants have put a lot of thought and work into this one, show them a little raspect, aaight!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Contest Semi-Finals

Well, my long weekend was great! On friday night I had cooked a very nice supper, grilled salmon and roasted peppers stuffed with spiced rice, and watched a bunch more of LOST. On saturday I drove around and ran some errands, had lunch at the spur (where I get Vegas style treatment) and watched more LOST with Elisabeth. On sunday I played in a poker tournament in Milnerton, but more on that later. Monday was quite relaxed, rearranged my furniture to accommodate my new couch, did some general housework and watched more LOST. It was a good weekend.

Also I got the final submissions for the Bushisms contest, one lucky person will be walking away with a R100 gift certificate but you'll have to read until the end to find out how that's going to happen. Don't skip anything, I'll know!


Dude, absolutely fucking off the map hawsomeness. After a few problems with directions I met up with Roo and and we found the Italian "Club" where the day's festivities were due to get underway. Apparently we weren't the only people who had trouble with the directions because we started late to give people a change to find the place and there were quite a few no-shows leaving us with a starting field of 76. I was seated at table C with about four people I recognised from the last tournament one of which had actually been at my table of death and had to rebuy twice before only just outlasting me, and another who'd played in the satellite last week. Everybody was stopping by my table and greeting the people I didn't know and saying stuff like "ooh, though table" and "unlucky all you guys sitting together". I thought it was just the usual trash talk but I was wrong, as I was later to find out.

I played very tight, and very aggressively. I didn't win very many pots but those that I did win were big enough to keep me in the tournament. I was in the BB and was dealt AJc, there were a couple of limpers and I raised 3xBB and got only one caller, the guy who rebought twice in the last tournament. The flop was 963 with one club, he bet I called. The turn was a Q, he bet 1xBB and I called the very weak bet. The river was another low card, he checked and so did I because I thought he was trapping me. When he showed a set of 3's I knew I was right and that if I had bet he would have pushed me all in and I would have gone out right there. I thought I had lost it with my A high but somebody else at the table pointed out that I'd caught two clubs on the turn and river for a runner runner nut-flush. I was floored to have made such a stupid mistake. I could have trapped the trapper and won a huge pot, but I had lost concentration and because of that ended up not winning as much as I could have. It wasn't the worst mistake I could have made, but it's pretty unforgivable.

That was right before the first fifteen minute break, and as it turned out, the last break for the day. I berated myself for being so dumb, and chatted to Roo. Roo had also lasted to the first break but seriously only had enough chips for two BB left. I went back in with slightly above what I stated with but way below average because by this stage about half the field had gone out. That really surprised me because our table had only lost one player. The next break was scheduled for three hours time by we never got there because by then it was time for the final table, which I was on!

Leading up to this a few more people had gone out at my table, and a few had been moved to other tables to balance the numbers, but the core of players had stayed the same since the beginning. The last level before the final table was hectic. I was down to 1xBB in chips and managed to double up quite a few times so that when I got to the final table I was only the third smallest chip stack. Of my starting table no less than four of us had made it into the final, that's when I realised that it really was a scary table. I won a few hands and stole a couple of blinds but the levels were going up and I just couldn't keep up. Two of the final ten had gone out when I found myself on the BB with AQd two people had limped in and I pushed hoping for a miracle. One of the guys from my original table called what was a very small percentage of his stack with 88 and I didn't improve. I went out in 8th place with only 7 paying, I bubbled. I was pretty disappointed because at that stage I was only second shortest stack, I had about three times what the shortest did he ended up folding into 4th for R1750. At the time I thought I might be able to fold into the money, but if he won a hand I'd be screwed and I probably wasn't going to get a better hand than AQd, I'd do the same thing again. I was also disappointed that only 7 places paid because the advertised was 10 paying if there were 80 entrants, we were short four of that, or R1200 in entry fees. First place was supposed to pay R10k but only paid R7,2k I really don't understand how it worked, but I'm not going to make an issue of it the tournament directors were really nice guys and I trust that everything they did was on the up and up and that they didn't rip me off.

In the main game I only lost one had at a showdown, and I got through to the final table and placed 8th, and while disappointed that I didn't get any cash even though I'd gotten so close I'm just really happy to have gotten so far and played relatively well. If I'd gone out in say 25th place I'd be ecstatic, and not have as much disappointment, but I did better than that so I just gotta shake it off.


After the main game we played another, with a smaller buy-in and fewer players. There was a time limit so we only started with 500 in chips and blinds went up every 15min. It was insane. This kind of speed play really doesn't suit me but I still managed to get through to the final table again going out in 8th, this time only three places paid so there's no feeling of disappointment.

The venue was brilliant, They had a cash bar and a restaurant with waiters milling around the poker tables taking orders. The coffee was brilliant, real Italian cappuccino rocked. During the second game I ordered a pizza, it was massive and used primo ingredients, one of which was real Italian salami, and it only cost R28!

Like I said the venue rocked, the fact that later on a few older guys in pinstripe suits arrived and went through a door marked "Private Card Room" or that Frank Sinatra was playing during the final table was just icing on the cake.

Another thing I have to mention is that the guys I played with were really nice. None of them were complete dicks like I experienced at the last tournament. I saw plenty of those dicks around but didn't play with them for long, when one of them arrived at the table we pretty much took them out quickly. The only reason I mention it is that I think that because we were playing at the Italian club people were a bit more respectful, capice?


Wow this is already a long post, and it's about to get longer. I had three serious entrants into the Bushism contest. Everybody made multiple submissions and because they're all really good I'm worried that the votes will be way too spread out to make any difference. For this reason I'm going to pos the complete list here and ask the three people who entered to choose their best two to compete with. Guys, suss out the competition and get back to me, via email to keep this anonymous.

Out of his Mouth: "I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I've tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today." — Irvine, Calif., April 24, 2006

In his Head: "diplomatically: the manner in which a person holding a diploma would act. - see degrematically"

Out of his Mouth: He Said: "If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!" —George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

In his Head: "If I keep talking in circles they will get dizzy and this wont need to make sense"

Out of his Mouth: "As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself — not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch." — After visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006

In his Head: "they'd be even more impressed if they knew how much that stung! mommy had to kiss it better!"

Out of his Mouth: "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

In his Head: “I mean, look at mermaids…That’s proof right there.”

Out of his Mouth:"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome." — Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005, on the reception of American forces in Iraq

In his Head: "but it SHOULD have been a peaceful welcome - don't these arabs watch fox news? EVERYBODY watches fox news!"

Out of his Mouth: "We are fully committed to working with both sides to bring the level of terror down to an acceptable level for both." —George W. Bush, after a meeting with congressional leaders, Washington, D.C., Oct. 2, 2001

In his Head: "My daddy always told me to aim for goals I can reach and not to seem too keen. Besides, if I say I will bring the level of terror down to zero they will all know i am lieing"

Out of his Mouth:"I mean, I read the newspaper. I mean, I can tell you what the headlines are. I must confess, if I think the story is, like, not a fair appraisal, I'll move on. But I know what the story's about." — Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005

In his Head: "dammit! when are they gonna open up 'The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Would Like To Do Other Things Good too'?!"

Out of his Mouth: “I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie. I've heard about it. I hope you go — you know — I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say." —George W. Bush, after being asked whether he's seen Brokeback Mountain, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006”

In his Head: “Oh Jesus! Why are they asking me this? Do they know about me and Donald Rumsfeld? Quick George, say something to throw them off the scent! Ranching! Yeah, that’s manly! Talk about ranching!”

Out of his Mouth: "I aim to be a competitive nation." — San Jose, Calif., April 21, 2006

In his Head: "i KNEW i could use the word competitive in a sentence!"

Out of his Mouth: “Wow! Brazil is big." —George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

In his Head: “Idiot, he doesn’t even know where his own country is. That’s Australia! Brazil’s the little island next to that bit that looks like a boot.”

Out of his Mouth: "I strongly believe what we're doing is the right thing. If I didn't believe it — I'm going to repeat what I said before — I'd pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out." — Charlotte, N.C., April 6, 2006

In his Head: "okay, i need opposites here. think opposite! i can do this!"

Out of his Mouth: "You believe in the Almighty, and I believe in the Almighty. That's why we'll be great partners." —George W. Bush, to Turkish Prime Minister Recap Tayyip Erdogan, Washington, D.C. Dec. 10, 2002

In his Head: "You like ham burgers I like ham burgers...no no, thats not going to work, the ham thing. Um...You like beer , I like beer..oops, nope...um what else do I like , um dont think he knows the hungry caterpillar, um God yes God, but he doesnt call him God, something with an A..um..um o yes!..."

Out of his Mouth: "If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate." — Washington D.C., March 21, 2006

In his Head: "bastard speech writers! that's not a real word!... i wonder where irania is?"

Out of his Mouth: "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." —George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

In his Head: "Wouldnt it be fun if Saddam was president of the united states? Then people wouldnt be so quit to tell him that the death penalty is a bad idea would they no.. and all the terrorists would be dead already. Saddam would deffinately be anti terrorism if he was president of the united states!"

Out of his Mouth:"[I]t's a myth to think I don't know what's going on. It's a myth to think that I'm not aware that there's opinions that don't agree with mine, because I'm fully aware of that." — Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005

In his Head: "if this is true, then i'm gonna have these people branded traitors and strung up, y'all."

Out of his Mouth: “The relations with, uhh — Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh — because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know — European values, they're universal values. And those values — uhh — being universal, ought to be applied everywhere." —George W. Bush, at a press conference with European Union dignitaries, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005

In his Head: “God, I hope this isn’t a trick question. Europe’s not one of those Arab countries, is it?”

Out of his Mouth: "I mean, there was a serious international effort to say to Saddam Hussein, you're a threat. And the 9/11 attacks extenuated that threat, as far as I—concerned." — Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 2005

In his Head: "yeah, alright! how'd you four-eyed varmints like THAT?"

Out of his Mouth: "I think it's important to bring somebody from outside the system, the judicial system, somebody that hasn't been on the bench and, therefore, there's not a lot of opinions for people to look at." —George W. Bush, on the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, Washington, D.C., October 4, 2005

In his Head: "If the judge looks stupider then I am I wont look so stupid because every one will think the judge is smart cause they are a judge and if they are smart I must be smarter, HAH!"

Out of his Mouth: "And Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." — To FEMA director Mike Brown who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his job performance.—Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005

In his Head: "heh, brownie. what a swell guy - i love that guy!"

Out of his Mouth: “It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of — and the allegations — by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble — that means not tell the truth." —George W. Bush, on an Amnesty International report on prisoner abuse at Guantanamo Bay, Washington, D.C., May 31, 2005”

In his Head: “I’m so going to fire this speech writer. He can’t even spell ‘disassemble’. I mean, ‘dissemble’, seriously, where did this guy to college?”

Out of his Mouth: "No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." — Washington

In his Head: "imagine if i didn't have my degree! this stuff is just BRILLIANT! i just don't understand why my nobel nomination hasn't come up yet *sigh*"

Out of his Mouth: “Because he's hiding." —George W. Bush, responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan. 14, 2005”

In his Head: “And I haven’t finished counting to 100 yet anyway.”

Out of his Mouth: "And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company." — Defending a plan to allow a company from the United Arab Emirates to manage ports in the United States, aboard Air Force One, Feb. 21, 2006

In his Head: "what has everybody got against the middle east?? that's not where all the trouble-makers are! damn racists!"

Out of his Mouth: "And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company." —George W. Bush, defending a plan to allow a company controlled by the United Arab Emirates to manage ports in the United States, aboard Air Force One, Feb. 21, 2006

In his Head: "please no one step up and say 'because you said so' pleeease"

Out of his Mouth: "I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president." — Nashville, Tenn., Feb. 1, 2006

In his Head:
"when i was young" : thinking of himself, young, playing cowboys and indians with other little children
"when i was middle-age" : ditto
"before i was president" : thinking of himself playing cowboys and indians with the people working on his campaign - missing his friends from west-texas
"during president" : thinking of his wonderful friends going off to iraq to fight for him, and looking forward to playing cowboys and indians with them when they get back
"after president" : "hah! i'm gonna be president for life!"

Out of his Mouth: “Do you have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

In his Head: “Do you want some?”

Out of his Mouth: "He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror." — On Saddam Hussein, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006

"why do i keep having to repeat myself??"

Out of his Mouth: “For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

In his Head: “We’re gonna teach people to aim better.”

Out of his Mouth: "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." —Tucson, Ariz., Nov. 28, 2005

In his Head:

"i can't make it clearer than that - these rats WILL be brought to justice!"


"and i AM the law!"

Out of his Mouth: "Because the—all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those—changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be—or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the—like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate—the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those—if that growth is affected, it will help on the red."—Explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005

In his Head:

did i leave the gas on?


So guy's, a little bit of strategy before the game is finally over. As soon as all of you tell me your best two I'll open voting for a week and we'll see who wins. Good Luck.


This post is already way too long for anything else, and I'm way too busy. See ya tomorrow.

schpat out

Friday, April 28, 2006

A Very Short Post

I have a love-hate relationship with these short weeks. On the love side I really did getting an extra day off which is really great, but on the hate side it means just as much work has to be done just in less time. Add to that the fact that a large proportion of my frustration at work centers around dealing with the effects of public holidays and also add the fact that there are fewer people in the office on a day like today with more work flowing my way and I think the hate side pip love to the post by a hair.

Anyway, I just wanted to punch out a quick reminder about the Bushism contest. Get your entries in by the time I get to work on Tuesday and you could win a R100 gift certificate for you favorite multimedia outlet. See the sidebar for details.

That Antarctic hit is still not showing up in the damn mappy thingy.

And because I love to bring you news of the bizaar, check out here how David Copperfied used his magical powers to avoid a mugging and nab the crooks.

schpat out

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Happy Birthday Mr Meltdown

As Zenstar already pointed out in his hawsome blog, today is the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl incident, but I already knew that. Earlier today I was lucky enough to witness a protest march organised by Earthlife Africa. It was a rather comical to see a bunch of hippies, with absolutely no understanding of the actual science involved campaigning, to stop a new nuclear reactor planned by Eskom. Their placards (not Picards) were emblazoned with slogans like "Remember Chernobyl" and "3,5 million are still suffering". That reminded me of an article about how well mother nature had recovered from the incident and that the area is now thriving due to the lack of human interference. Admittedly the article did come out of the ex-world champion propaganda state, they are now totally out-matched by the Bush administration.

The hippies are so amusing, yet all fanatics are dangerous. I have no idea how they arrived at the 3,5 million number, but even Green Peace only estimates that 270 000 cases of cancer will have been caused worldwide by the incident, of which 93 000 will prove fatal. Yet people still believe the erroneously scary numbers and are galvanized against the most efficient form energy known to man. At the extreme of this alternative kind of thinking you'll find people who can justify sabotaging a reactor to cause an incident in order to prove that it can be dangerous. Hell yeah the stuff is dangerous, but it's not particularly difficult to take measures that mitigate most of the risk. If these freaks were opposed to a reactor because they felt that South Africans were too incompetent to reliably manage one I might start to listen. If they claimed that the local industry to too incompetent but put forward a plan to rectify the situation I'd even go as far as saying that they were doing a good thing. However merely protesting for the sake of creating hysteria is very dangerous.

By the way, sabotage has nothing to do with French workers throwing their wooden shoes into the machines, Data had it wrong.

I promise we'll return to our regular format soon.

schpat out

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

My Excuse

Andrian, my cat, also known as Andy, Bowsie, Porridge, the child and the C, had to be taken to the vet yesterday. He was limping and it turns out his whole leg is badly swollen and he's got a fever. I'm sure everything is going to turn out fine in the end but I'm actually quite worried. I hate it when he's not feeling well because there's no way for him to let me know and when I do notice something amiss I wonder how long it's been like that and he's just had to suffer with it. At least I can simply pop myself off to the doctor.

Taking him to the vet is a mission in itself. You see we're not allowed to have pets in flats where I live the body corporate is very strict, no animals in the building at all. So I have to hide "The C" every time we have to visit the animal doctor. This process involves sticking him in a cat box, then into a ridiculously oversized cardboard box and stuffing it with towels to muffle any noise that he does make. The I have to carry this huge, but insanely light box to the car. About five blocks away from the flat I take the cat carrier out of the big box and drive with him on the passenger seat to the vet. The whole process is repeated in reverse to get him back in, I don't actually walk backwards though. Needless to say it's quite stressful, more on Elisabeth and I than on him though.

Anyway Andy is at the vet again today and hence the short post, I'll be back tomorrow with more content.

But while we're talking about the Blog Contest. Ok we weren't but anyway. It appears that I made a small mistake by putting the wrong closing date in the sidebar. Well because I want to be fair to everyone I'll keep it that way. You now have until Sunday the 30th to get your Bushism translations in, I've had two entries so far but you still have a decent chance.

Also, if you read the comments you'll see that I've had a visitor from the Antarctic wastes. That completes my collection of visitors from every single continent on earth in one month. Unfortunately it seems that the ip address for the Amundsen-Scott Station is not actually registered in the Antarctic or ClusterMaps doesn't cater for displaying Antarctic hits. So no little red blip for me, but I had the visitor, thanks Blur.

schpat out

Friday, April 21, 2006


Wow, it's been a bumper month for hits. I've gotten hits from six of the seven continents, but I'm working on getting one from that pesky cold one in the south. If anyone in Antarctica is reading this blog, thanks, my badgering has worked.


Yesterday I received a comment from Q.N.I.T.Y about the Brett Goldin. Here it is:

"Does anyone really care about Brett Goldin apart from his friends in the media. Funny thing is that on the same weekend that him and his friend were hijacked...four black men were killed in Nyanga not far from where Goldin and Bloom were killed...I saw a small news report but there weren't any calls for a return to the death penalty for their killers. Makes you think doesn't it?"

Well dude, here's the thing. Brett was a really funny dude and somebody who'd managed to do quite well for himself in the extremely small and tough South African entertainment industry. The fact that he'd achieved some small degree of fame doesn't make his story any more important than the multitude of other atrocities committed in South Africa every day, it simply makes it more newsworthy. Newsworthiness is based almost entirely on how many newspapers the story will sell, or how many people will tune into the television news to see it. Remember that the people running your information outlets are in it for the money, not the greater good of mankind, and just so that we're clear on this issue: there's nothing wrong with that. Brett's story is getting more coverage than the guys in Nyanga because, hell, that's a routine event. It's really sad to say this but that kind of shit happens all the time, everyone is totally desensatised to it, while the execution style murder of two rich white guys doesn't happen every day.

Is it sad that four people having been beaten to death is not that surprising? Yes of course it is, but while our judicial system does nothing to stop this kind of violence it will continue to happen. One of the reasons people continue to commit violent crime is that there is simply no threat of consequence, ever hear of the Ring of Gyges. This goes beyond there not being a death penalty and speaks to various issues on law enforcement and the lack thereof, but lack of adequate punishment is one of the key factors. Personally I feel that all senseless acts of violence should be very strongly punished. And, if you read my blog, I really didn't advocate the death penalty at all, it's way too easy. Put them in high security prisons and force them to do hard labor, no work no food. The excuse often given for lack of any serious prison time is overcrowding, this is also the reason that every year hundreds of prisoners are released before they've served their full sentence. Put them in a fucking hole and make them mine highly radioactive substances, have you seen 'The Fortress'?

[ed note: the term "fucking hole" is ambiguous, in this case it means a hole in the mother fucking ground. Although once they get there I'm sure they'll experience loads of the other kind too]

But Q.N.I.T.Y, saying that Brett Goldin is somehow less important than all the others and that people should be less sympathetic simply because he's getting more news coverage than something which has become almost a routine event is ludicrous. What happened to Brett and his friend was horrible and I feel sick to my stomach that shit like this happens.

Basically it boils down to this: don't make assumptions about how people feel and, if you truly don't care about what happened to Brett and Richard I submit that the problem lies with you.


Here is a smattering of stories I thought some people out there might find INTERESTING.

A farmer is stunned after a chicken apparently had a spontaneous sex change.

Be careful when planning your next cell phone upgrade, you may just have to get a TV license for it.

This old dude in Florida (is that tautology?) went door to door around his local area telling people he was from the local hospital and offering free breast exams. He got caught when he tried to up the ante and move to genital exams.


For most of you this will be the last opportunity for you to enter the contest. Entries close when I get into work on monday at around 9am. See the sidebar for details.


The third and final movie I caught over the easter weekend was 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang', it was so cool. It's a really original take on the old private detective genre, not a lot of action, a little predictable but really fun to watch. Val Kilmer and Robber Downey Jr give really great performances, also there's a bit of eye candy in the form of Michelle Monaghan. It was really enjoyable and while not a "Must See" an entertaining diversion, and what more can you really ask for.

that's it, schpat out.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Almost Home Time

I hate finding a way to introduce my blog entries. There I've done it. Onto the content.

Last night I took part in a 45 player poker tournament on PokerStars, and finished third. This was despite going down to T$235 in the second level on a really crappy suck out. If you're interested you can read about that hand later, if not then just skip that section.

I think I played well in that game eventually going out by taking my AQ up against AK in third for a 600% profit.

Remember that poker is happening in the Kramer Quad on middle campus UCT on saturday at around 12:00. Also there's going to be a R35 satellite the R10 000 tournament next week, I'm definitely going to be playing in that.


Yes, this time it wasn't a bottle of granadilla juice that set off a chain of hilarious events, but a crap excel spread sheet with word puzzles claiming to be MENSA test. The puzzles took the form of "26 L of the A" with a solution of "26 letters of the alphabet". It was sent to everyone is my department by this guy who regularly send out crap emails about things like flesh eating banana bugs or weird coincidences that prove the universe is connected in strange and unbelievable ways or even amazing pictures of unlikely real life situations. These kind of emails generally just irritate me and sending back pages from Snopes and telling him to check his sources before sending this crap out.

Not being very good with these kind of word games I cheated a bit, broke the very simple protection on the spread sheet and found the hidden answers. In short order I copied and pasted all the correct answers into the spread sheet and mailed it back. Apparently getting more that 19 of the 30 correct indicated a genius level IQ, so I renamed the file "Imagenius.xls". This all took about five minutes and everybody in on the joke, three people, had a great laugh while this guy sat totally amazed, checking that I'd actually gotten them all right.

Fucking Hilarious


There's no news today, this post is being written really late and I've got to go somewhere. Q.N.I.T.Y has made an interesting comment about the Brent Goldin shooting. I promise I'll have something to say about it tomorrow, I just don't have enough time right now.


Well, You've still got until Sunday to get your Bushism translations to me. Mail them to schpat@gmail.com and you could stand a chance of winning a R100 Gift Certificate.


Blinds were T$15/T$30, my chip stack was T$1275, I was in Late Position and dealt AKo. The player directly after the BB (mdartist) called for T$30 and it was folded to me. I put in a 1xBB raise and made it $60 to go. The SB and BB both call. The flop is

3d 3s Ts

The action is checked to me and being the last one to act I stick in a half pot sized bet of T$120. The reason I do this because I know that the flop has not made anybodies hand. If it had they would have bet, they're not just going to leave a flush draw sitting on the table to suck out on their pair of T's, set of 3's, set of T's. The only hand that they would not have minded getting drawn out on was quad 3's and the with the likelihood of that, they deserve to get paid. The SB and BB fold but mdartist senses a little weakness in the smallish bet and pushes his entire stack of T$830. Now in this guy had been in almost every hand since the beginning, only winning one of the in a showdown and in the last three hands he's pushed all in twice to steal the blinds on the flop. I decided to call him.

He shows 58o, I mean who the fuck shoves their entire hand on 58o with a flop like that and an aggressive bettor. He has no chance of having the high card so he's obviously hoping to make a pair which is a 7.5:1 shot with one card to come and 3:1 with two to come. Even with a 3:1 shot his pot odds where 0.7:1 and implied odds where 2.7:1, that's what he would have got if I'd called. Now if you're playing the odds you make sure that there is an overlay, your pot or implied odds must be greater than your chance of making a hand. Now I didn't work all those stats out in my head then, I just put them together now to show how bad a decision this guy made, he was obviously either gambling or, more likely, trying to make me fold. I suspected as much and that's why I called his bet, I had the better hand and my chances of winning were 75%, it was a good play. That's why it's even more frustrating when the turn came up a 5 and my hand didn't improve on the river. All In Arse Monkey sucked me out.

Well the very next hand I was dealt AKs and pushed, got two callers, including mdartist, and tripled up. I sat out a hand and was then dealt KK, I pushed on the flop and got 3 callers, again including mdartist. Woot Quadrupled my money. Two Hands later mdartist when out when his A6o whent up against AKs, it's just a pitty it wasn't me that took him out. That's what you get for being an AIAR!

Like I said I ended up third in the tournament and won $7 for a $6 profit, rock.


The second movie I watched over easter was 'Monty Python's Holy Grail'. I know a lot of people are going to hate me for this, but I really didn't enjoy it that much. I've seen it about five times before, so the silliness was just silly and not really all that funny. Even the Witch = Duck didn't crack a smile. If you haven't seen this one, go rent it, otherwise it's not much funnier the second time round. I'd far rather recommend you get 'The Life of Brian' or 'The Meaning of Life'. In case you're wondering 'The Meaning of Life' is the better of the two.

That's about it for me

schpat out

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Crazy Monkey Dude Shot

Well I Couldn't Believe it! On my way into work this morning I heard on the radio that one of the Crazy Monkey guys had been shot. Brett Goldin, the little guy, and a friend were shot, execution style, after a party on Sunday Morning.

It's kinda weird because over the weekend I caught a re-run of a local sitcom that he guest stared in. I watched it lateish on Saturday night, probably hours before this guy, who is younger than me, was brutally murdered.

It seems the cops have suspects in custody, three of them will be appearing in court today. But the worst that is going to happen is that they'll be convicted and get like ten year prison terms.
I know that prison is not a pleasant place, but it's too good for these guys, the punishment should fit the crime damn it. Now a lot of people out there would be screaming to bring back the death penalty, not me. I'm not a big proponent of the death penalty, but only because there is so much worse that we can do. Hard fucking labor for the rest of their natural lives or maybe non-consensual organ donation. Make these people work in a sewage farm, or mine gold in the unstable shafts. Let them work with asbestos and radioactive materials. Send them on dangerous deep sea fishing voyages and walk giant treadmills to generate electricity. In the end they should truly pay for what they have done, not just live in a relative country club like atmosphere. Make them suffer while being forced to perform a useful function for society


Well It seems that this is big news in the UK, but Obs Tattoo has been doing it for ages. Yet another example of a trend being set in Obs.

Iran and the states iran seem to be going to war. Nothing will stop bush if he decides he wants something. Then again talk about having 55,000 suicide bombers ready to go and you may just be getting yourself into some hot water.

So, what'll be new in sex toys over the next ten years? Julia Heiman, director of the Kinsey Institute claims virtual sex experience will be a reality by 2016. Yes folks we're looking into the field of teledildonics. One purveyor of such goods claims that his customers are simply "blown away".

It's good to know that Freak Shows are alive and well. The worlds tallest man and the worlds second shortest man are apparently major attractions at an Afro-Asian Trade Exhibition held at the prestigious Pietermaritzburg Royal Show Grounds.

While this dude undoubtedly has a few screws loose I don't see the big problem. A British ex-paratrooper is trying to walk form the South America to England in an unbroken trip, the only problem is that he didn't get his passport stamped when entering Russia across the ice form Aslaska. I mean seriously?


You have all been bad contestants. Loads of you voted for this contest and now that you have a chance to enter, and win R100, you've not submitted any entries. C'mon guys, let's see some funny here.

Also, go out and pimp the contest on your blogs and to your friends. The more interest generated the more fun it'll be.


Well, I thought I'd tie into the contest on this one.


I watched a couple of movies over the weekend but I'm going to spread them out a little. The first one I watched was "Levity". With Big Name actors like Billy Bob Thornton, Morgan Freeman, Holly Hunter and Kirsten Dunst what do you expect? Brilliance. Some people might find it slow, and almost predictable, but it does as good a job as possible to avoid these. Ultimately the main theme is Redemption but I don't want to give too much away. This movie has everything you could ask for in a drama, except gratuitous nudity. The story progression and character development is great. If you enjoy a good drama you will not be disappointed by 'Levity'.

Well that's it folks, don't forget about poker this weekend.

schpat out

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Just another Wednesday

Well, not much happened overnight, but incase you haven't been paying attention I've been married for a week.

I did see this rather amusing comic over at Yirmumah. Check it out. It's about luxuries for prisoners, god that sucks.


Ok, I've heard some doozies in my day but the latest from the SPCA on the destruction of breeding birds on Robben Island takes the cake. Apparently it's carnivorous bunnies and not cats ravaging the avian population of the historical island. Read the story, flesh eating rabbits, lol.

Also, according to a study performed by an African think tank, African Security Dialogue and Research, Africa is not spending enough on defense. Apparently the study comes after some European countries are tell African leaders that they will only increase aid if defense spending is cut. I mean what is this defense spending for? Do they seriously think they can defend themselves from the super powers. Seriously they should subcontract their defense, to the USA. It's a brilliant idea, they pay a small premium every year and if somebody (like a backward African neighbor) fucks with them the USA come and sorts the shit out. Honestly just the threat of the USA on their ass is probably a good enough deterrent for invasion.

Our esteemed minister of health has done it again. Manto is now blaming the media for the failure of her advanced anti-AIDS campaign. Apparently over zealous reporting of how JZ took a shower to rid himself of the AIDS virus is to blame for derailing years of advocating garlic and African potatoes.


Ok folks, I haven't had any contest submissions yet. Do I need to remind you that you can win an actual prize on this thing?

I know that the lack of entries has nothing to do with difficulty finding "Bushisims", and to prove my point here is a list of ten rather funny ones, with references.

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

6) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

4) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

3) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

2) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

So go on give it a try.



Some of you folks would already have read this announcement but for those of you who are not on the relevant mailing list:

I know we were supposed to be playing poker this weekend, but due to many people being unable to make it I've moved it to Saturday the 22nd. I'm not sure what the venue will be but I'll let you folks know next week.

The plan is to play a No Limit Texas Hold 'Em cash ring game. So you can join any time and cash out at any time. Play will probably start at about 12ish or maybe 1ish.

Another large tournament has been announced on www.poker.org.za and is happening at the end of the month (the 30th). The buy-in is R300 and first place pays R10,000. Now R300 is a lot of cash for casual players like us, but we'd still like to get a chance to play for the big money. To try and give people a chance I'm busy negotiating with the organisers so that I can run a satellite for their tournament. If I can work out the details the satellite will be a small tournament for ten people with an entry fee of R35, the winner will get a place in the R10,000 tourney and runner up will get R50.

I'd like to run the satellite later in the afternoon on Saturday the 22nd and depending on feed back I may run two. If you're interested please let me know, places are limited to ten people per satellite. This is a chance to win R10,000 off of a R35 stake, a very tempting offer.

I'd also like to make this month's game a "Bring a friend to Poker" event. So go out and recruit people to join us.

If anybody has any questions just drop me a line


I rented "A history of violence" the other day. The movie had great potential, but ended up predictable and boring. None of the real issues in the movie ever got tackled and from a promising start the movie ended as teh suck. Do me a favor, when you watch this movie get to the last scene with Ed Harris and stop watching, your mind will end the story better than the writer and director did.

Anyway, that's it

schpat out.