Friday, April 28, 2006

A Very Short Post

I have a love-hate relationship with these short weeks. On the love side I really did getting an extra day off which is really great, but on the hate side it means just as much work has to be done just in less time. Add to that the fact that a large proportion of my frustration at work centers around dealing with the effects of public holidays and also add the fact that there are fewer people in the office on a day like today with more work flowing my way and I think the hate side pip love to the post by a hair.

Anyway, I just wanted to punch out a quick reminder about the Bushism contest. Get your entries in by the time I get to work on Tuesday and you could win a R100 gift certificate for you favorite multimedia outlet. See the sidebar for details.

That Antarctic hit is still not showing up in the damn mappy thingy.

And because I love to bring you news of the bizaar, check out here how David Copperfied used his magical powers to avoid a mugging and nab the crooks.

schpat out

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Happy Birthday Mr Meltdown

As Zenstar already pointed out in his hawsome blog, today is the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl incident, but I already knew that. Earlier today I was lucky enough to witness a protest march organised by Earthlife Africa. It was a rather comical to see a bunch of hippies, with absolutely no understanding of the actual science involved campaigning, to stop a new nuclear reactor planned by Eskom. Their placards (not Picards) were emblazoned with slogans like "Remember Chernobyl" and "3,5 million are still suffering". That reminded me of an article about how well mother nature had recovered from the incident and that the area is now thriving due to the lack of human interference. Admittedly the article did come out of the ex-world champion propaganda state, they are now totally out-matched by the Bush administration.

The hippies are so amusing, yet all fanatics are dangerous. I have no idea how they arrived at the 3,5 million number, but even Green Peace only estimates that 270 000 cases of cancer will have been caused worldwide by the incident, of which 93 000 will prove fatal. Yet people still believe the erroneously scary numbers and are galvanized against the most efficient form energy known to man. At the extreme of this alternative kind of thinking you'll find people who can justify sabotaging a reactor to cause an incident in order to prove that it can be dangerous. Hell yeah the stuff is dangerous, but it's not particularly difficult to take measures that mitigate most of the risk. If these freaks were opposed to a reactor because they felt that South Africans were too incompetent to reliably manage one I might start to listen. If they claimed that the local industry to too incompetent but put forward a plan to rectify the situation I'd even go as far as saying that they were doing a good thing. However merely protesting for the sake of creating hysteria is very dangerous.

By the way, sabotage has nothing to do with French workers throwing their wooden shoes into the machines, Data had it wrong.

I promise we'll return to our regular format soon.

schpat out

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

My Excuse

Andrian, my cat, also known as Andy, Bowsie, Porridge, the child and the C, had to be taken to the vet yesterday. He was limping and it turns out his whole leg is badly swollen and he's got a fever. I'm sure everything is going to turn out fine in the end but I'm actually quite worried. I hate it when he's not feeling well because there's no way for him to let me know and when I do notice something amiss I wonder how long it's been like that and he's just had to suffer with it. At least I can simply pop myself off to the doctor.

Taking him to the vet is a mission in itself. You see we're not allowed to have pets in flats where I live the body corporate is very strict, no animals in the building at all. So I have to hide "The C" every time we have to visit the animal doctor. This process involves sticking him in a cat box, then into a ridiculously oversized cardboard box and stuffing it with towels to muffle any noise that he does make. The I have to carry this huge, but insanely light box to the car. About five blocks away from the flat I take the cat carrier out of the big box and drive with him on the passenger seat to the vet. The whole process is repeated in reverse to get him back in, I don't actually walk backwards though. Needless to say it's quite stressful, more on Elisabeth and I than on him though.

Anyway Andy is at the vet again today and hence the short post, I'll be back tomorrow with more content.

But while we're talking about the Blog Contest. Ok we weren't but anyway. It appears that I made a small mistake by putting the wrong closing date in the sidebar. Well because I want to be fair to everyone I'll keep it that way. You now have until Sunday the 30th to get your Bushism translations in, I've had two entries so far but you still have a decent chance.

Also, if you read the comments you'll see that I've had a visitor from the Antarctic wastes. That completes my collection of visitors from every single continent on earth in one month. Unfortunately it seems that the ip address for the Amundsen-Scott Station is not actually registered in the Antarctic or ClusterMaps doesn't cater for displaying Antarctic hits. So no little red blip for me, but I had the visitor, thanks Blur.

schpat out

Friday, April 21, 2006


Wow, it's been a bumper month for hits. I've gotten hits from six of the seven continents, but I'm working on getting one from that pesky cold one in the south. If anyone in Antarctica is reading this blog, thanks, my badgering has worked.


Yesterday I received a comment from Q.N.I.T.Y about the Brett Goldin. Here it is:

"Does anyone really care about Brett Goldin apart from his friends in the media. Funny thing is that on the same weekend that him and his friend were hijacked...four black men were killed in Nyanga not far from where Goldin and Bloom were killed...I saw a small news report but there weren't any calls for a return to the death penalty for their killers. Makes you think doesn't it?"

Well dude, here's the thing. Brett was a really funny dude and somebody who'd managed to do quite well for himself in the extremely small and tough South African entertainment industry. The fact that he'd achieved some small degree of fame doesn't make his story any more important than the multitude of other atrocities committed in South Africa every day, it simply makes it more newsworthy. Newsworthiness is based almost entirely on how many newspapers the story will sell, or how many people will tune into the television news to see it. Remember that the people running your information outlets are in it for the money, not the greater good of mankind, and just so that we're clear on this issue: there's nothing wrong with that. Brett's story is getting more coverage than the guys in Nyanga because, hell, that's a routine event. It's really sad to say this but that kind of shit happens all the time, everyone is totally desensatised to it, while the execution style murder of two rich white guys doesn't happen every day.

Is it sad that four people having been beaten to death is not that surprising? Yes of course it is, but while our judicial system does nothing to stop this kind of violence it will continue to happen. One of the reasons people continue to commit violent crime is that there is simply no threat of consequence, ever hear of the Ring of Gyges. This goes beyond there not being a death penalty and speaks to various issues on law enforcement and the lack thereof, but lack of adequate punishment is one of the key factors. Personally I feel that all senseless acts of violence should be very strongly punished. And, if you read my blog, I really didn't advocate the death penalty at all, it's way too easy. Put them in high security prisons and force them to do hard labor, no work no food. The excuse often given for lack of any serious prison time is overcrowding, this is also the reason that every year hundreds of prisoners are released before they've served their full sentence. Put them in a fucking hole and make them mine highly radioactive substances, have you seen 'The Fortress'?

[ed note: the term "fucking hole" is ambiguous, in this case it means a hole in the mother fucking ground. Although once they get there I'm sure they'll experience loads of the other kind too]

But Q.N.I.T.Y, saying that Brett Goldin is somehow less important than all the others and that people should be less sympathetic simply because he's getting more news coverage than something which has become almost a routine event is ludicrous. What happened to Brett and his friend was horrible and I feel sick to my stomach that shit like this happens.

Basically it boils down to this: don't make assumptions about how people feel and, if you truly don't care about what happened to Brett and Richard I submit that the problem lies with you.


Here is a smattering of stories I thought some people out there might find INTERESTING.

A farmer is stunned after a chicken apparently had a spontaneous sex change.

Be careful when planning your next cell phone upgrade, you may just have to get a TV license for it.

This old dude in Florida (is that tautology?) went door to door around his local area telling people he was from the local hospital and offering free breast exams. He got caught when he tried to up the ante and move to genital exams.


For most of you this will be the last opportunity for you to enter the contest. Entries close when I get into work on monday at around 9am. See the sidebar for details.


The third and final movie I caught over the easter weekend was 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang', it was so cool. It's a really original take on the old private detective genre, not a lot of action, a little predictable but really fun to watch. Val Kilmer and Robber Downey Jr give really great performances, also there's a bit of eye candy in the form of Michelle Monaghan. It was really enjoyable and while not a "Must See" an entertaining diversion, and what more can you really ask for.

that's it, schpat out.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Almost Home Time

I hate finding a way to introduce my blog entries. There I've done it. Onto the content.

Last night I took part in a 45 player poker tournament on PokerStars, and finished third. This was despite going down to T$235 in the second level on a really crappy suck out. If you're interested you can read about that hand later, if not then just skip that section.

I think I played well in that game eventually going out by taking my AQ up against AK in third for a 600% profit.

Remember that poker is happening in the Kramer Quad on middle campus UCT on saturday at around 12:00. Also there's going to be a R35 satellite the R10 000 tournament next week, I'm definitely going to be playing in that.


Yes, this time it wasn't a bottle of granadilla juice that set off a chain of hilarious events, but a crap excel spread sheet with word puzzles claiming to be MENSA test. The puzzles took the form of "26 L of the A" with a solution of "26 letters of the alphabet". It was sent to everyone is my department by this guy who regularly send out crap emails about things like flesh eating banana bugs or weird coincidences that prove the universe is connected in strange and unbelievable ways or even amazing pictures of unlikely real life situations. These kind of emails generally just irritate me and sending back pages from Snopes and telling him to check his sources before sending this crap out.

Not being very good with these kind of word games I cheated a bit, broke the very simple protection on the spread sheet and found the hidden answers. In short order I copied and pasted all the correct answers into the spread sheet and mailed it back. Apparently getting more that 19 of the 30 correct indicated a genius level IQ, so I renamed the file "Imagenius.xls". This all took about five minutes and everybody in on the joke, three people, had a great laugh while this guy sat totally amazed, checking that I'd actually gotten them all right.

Fucking Hilarious


There's no news today, this post is being written really late and I've got to go somewhere. Q.N.I.T.Y has made an interesting comment about the Brent Goldin shooting. I promise I'll have something to say about it tomorrow, I just don't have enough time right now.


Well, You've still got until Sunday to get your Bushism translations to me. Mail them to and you could stand a chance of winning a R100 Gift Certificate.


Blinds were T$15/T$30, my chip stack was T$1275, I was in Late Position and dealt AKo. The player directly after the BB (mdartist) called for T$30 and it was folded to me. I put in a 1xBB raise and made it $60 to go. The SB and BB both call. The flop is

3d 3s Ts

The action is checked to me and being the last one to act I stick in a half pot sized bet of T$120. The reason I do this because I know that the flop has not made anybodies hand. If it had they would have bet, they're not just going to leave a flush draw sitting on the table to suck out on their pair of T's, set of 3's, set of T's. The only hand that they would not have minded getting drawn out on was quad 3's and the with the likelihood of that, they deserve to get paid. The SB and BB fold but mdartist senses a little weakness in the smallish bet and pushes his entire stack of T$830. Now in this guy had been in almost every hand since the beginning, only winning one of the in a showdown and in the last three hands he's pushed all in twice to steal the blinds on the flop. I decided to call him.

He shows 58o, I mean who the fuck shoves their entire hand on 58o with a flop like that and an aggressive bettor. He has no chance of having the high card so he's obviously hoping to make a pair which is a 7.5:1 shot with one card to come and 3:1 with two to come. Even with a 3:1 shot his pot odds where 0.7:1 and implied odds where 2.7:1, that's what he would have got if I'd called. Now if you're playing the odds you make sure that there is an overlay, your pot or implied odds must be greater than your chance of making a hand. Now I didn't work all those stats out in my head then, I just put them together now to show how bad a decision this guy made, he was obviously either gambling or, more likely, trying to make me fold. I suspected as much and that's why I called his bet, I had the better hand and my chances of winning were 75%, it was a good play. That's why it's even more frustrating when the turn came up a 5 and my hand didn't improve on the river. All In Arse Monkey sucked me out.

Well the very next hand I was dealt AKs and pushed, got two callers, including mdartist, and tripled up. I sat out a hand and was then dealt KK, I pushed on the flop and got 3 callers, again including mdartist. Woot Quadrupled my money. Two Hands later mdartist when out when his A6o whent up against AKs, it's just a pitty it wasn't me that took him out. That's what you get for being an AIAR!

Like I said I ended up third in the tournament and won $7 for a $6 profit, rock.


The second movie I watched over easter was 'Monty Python's Holy Grail'. I know a lot of people are going to hate me for this, but I really didn't enjoy it that much. I've seen it about five times before, so the silliness was just silly and not really all that funny. Even the Witch = Duck didn't crack a smile. If you haven't seen this one, go rent it, otherwise it's not much funnier the second time round. I'd far rather recommend you get 'The Life of Brian' or 'The Meaning of Life'. In case you're wondering 'The Meaning of Life' is the better of the two.

That's about it for me

schpat out

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Crazy Monkey Dude Shot

Well I Couldn't Believe it! On my way into work this morning I heard on the radio that one of the Crazy Monkey guys had been shot. Brett Goldin, the little guy, and a friend were shot, execution style, after a party on Sunday Morning.

It's kinda weird because over the weekend I caught a re-run of a local sitcom that he guest stared in. I watched it lateish on Saturday night, probably hours before this guy, who is younger than me, was brutally murdered.

It seems the cops have suspects in custody, three of them will be appearing in court today. But the worst that is going to happen is that they'll be convicted and get like ten year prison terms.
I know that prison is not a pleasant place, but it's too good for these guys, the punishment should fit the crime damn it. Now a lot of people out there would be screaming to bring back the death penalty, not me. I'm not a big proponent of the death penalty, but only because there is so much worse that we can do. Hard fucking labor for the rest of their natural lives or maybe non-consensual organ donation. Make these people work in a sewage farm, or mine gold in the unstable shafts. Let them work with asbestos and radioactive materials. Send them on dangerous deep sea fishing voyages and walk giant treadmills to generate electricity. In the end they should truly pay for what they have done, not just live in a relative country club like atmosphere. Make them suffer while being forced to perform a useful function for society


Well It seems that this is big news in the UK, but Obs Tattoo has been doing it for ages. Yet another example of a trend being set in Obs.

Iran and the states iran seem to be going to war. Nothing will stop bush if he decides he wants something. Then again talk about having 55,000 suicide bombers ready to go and you may just be getting yourself into some hot water.

So, what'll be new in sex toys over the next ten years? Julia Heiman, director of the Kinsey Institute claims virtual sex experience will be a reality by 2016. Yes folks we're looking into the field of teledildonics. One purveyor of such goods claims that his customers are simply "blown away".

It's good to know that Freak Shows are alive and well. The worlds tallest man and the worlds second shortest man are apparently major attractions at an Afro-Asian Trade Exhibition held at the prestigious Pietermaritzburg Royal Show Grounds.

While this dude undoubtedly has a few screws loose I don't see the big problem. A British ex-paratrooper is trying to walk form the South America to England in an unbroken trip, the only problem is that he didn't get his passport stamped when entering Russia across the ice form Aslaska. I mean seriously?


You have all been bad contestants. Loads of you voted for this contest and now that you have a chance to enter, and win R100, you've not submitted any entries. C'mon guys, let's see some funny here.

Also, go out and pimp the contest on your blogs and to your friends. The more interest generated the more fun it'll be.


Well, I thought I'd tie into the contest on this one.


I watched a couple of movies over the weekend but I'm going to spread them out a little. The first one I watched was "Levity". With Big Name actors like Billy Bob Thornton, Morgan Freeman, Holly Hunter and Kirsten Dunst what do you expect? Brilliance. Some people might find it slow, and almost predictable, but it does as good a job as possible to avoid these. Ultimately the main theme is Redemption but I don't want to give too much away. This movie has everything you could ask for in a drama, except gratuitous nudity. The story progression and character development is great. If you enjoy a good drama you will not be disappointed by 'Levity'.

Well that's it folks, don't forget about poker this weekend.

schpat out

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Just another Wednesday

Well, not much happened overnight, but incase you haven't been paying attention I've been married for a week.

I did see this rather amusing comic over at Yirmumah. Check it out. It's about luxuries for prisoners, god that sucks.


Ok, I've heard some doozies in my day but the latest from the SPCA on the destruction of breeding birds on Robben Island takes the cake. Apparently it's carnivorous bunnies and not cats ravaging the avian population of the historical island. Read the story, flesh eating rabbits, lol.

Also, according to a study performed by an African think tank, African Security Dialogue and Research, Africa is not spending enough on defense. Apparently the study comes after some European countries are tell African leaders that they will only increase aid if defense spending is cut. I mean what is this defense spending for? Do they seriously think they can defend themselves from the super powers. Seriously they should subcontract their defense, to the USA. It's a brilliant idea, they pay a small premium every year and if somebody (like a backward African neighbor) fucks with them the USA come and sorts the shit out. Honestly just the threat of the USA on their ass is probably a good enough deterrent for invasion.

Our esteemed minister of health has done it again. Manto is now blaming the media for the failure of her advanced anti-AIDS campaign. Apparently over zealous reporting of how JZ took a shower to rid himself of the AIDS virus is to blame for derailing years of advocating garlic and African potatoes.


Ok folks, I haven't had any contest submissions yet. Do I need to remind you that you can win an actual prize on this thing?

I know that the lack of entries has nothing to do with difficulty finding "Bushisims", and to prove my point here is a list of ten rather funny ones, with references.

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

6) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

4) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

3) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

2) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

So go on give it a try.



Some of you folks would already have read this announcement but for those of you who are not on the relevant mailing list:

I know we were supposed to be playing poker this weekend, but due to many people being unable to make it I've moved it to Saturday the 22nd. I'm not sure what the venue will be but I'll let you folks know next week.

The plan is to play a No Limit Texas Hold 'Em cash ring game. So you can join any time and cash out at any time. Play will probably start at about 12ish or maybe 1ish.

Another large tournament has been announced on and is happening at the end of the month (the 30th). The buy-in is R300 and first place pays R10,000. Now R300 is a lot of cash for casual players like us, but we'd still like to get a chance to play for the big money. To try and give people a chance I'm busy negotiating with the organisers so that I can run a satellite for their tournament. If I can work out the details the satellite will be a small tournament for ten people with an entry fee of R35, the winner will get a place in the R10,000 tourney and runner up will get R50.

I'd like to run the satellite later in the afternoon on Saturday the 22nd and depending on feed back I may run two. If you're interested please let me know, places are limited to ten people per satellite. This is a chance to win R10,000 off of a R35 stake, a very tempting offer.

I'd also like to make this month's game a "Bring a friend to Poker" event. So go out and recruit people to join us.

If anybody has any questions just drop me a line


I rented "A history of violence" the other day. The movie had great potential, but ended up predictable and boring. None of the real issues in the movie ever got tackled and from a promising start the movie ended as teh suck. Do me a favor, when you watch this movie get to the last scene with Ed Harris and stop watching, your mind will end the story better than the writer and director did.

Anyway, that's it

schpat out.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


Anyway, back to usual blogging goodness for me. Work is quite hectic, thank god it's only a four day week, I don't think I could handle my first one back being five whole days of soul destroying drudgery.

You know, while on honeymoon I had a rather nice massage, from a legitimate therapist dumbass. No, there was no happy ending. That massage left me sore as shit. I couldn't believe how good it felt while the young lady was rubbing her peppermint and lavender oil lubed hands all over my body and how stiff and sore I was the next morning. A day later I felt really super good though. The tension from about a year and a half at work without a decent break had been properly erased by that girls powerful and talented digits.

An interesting aside though. After the massage the wonderfully talented young thing told both Elisabeth and I top drink a large glass of water to dissolve any toxins released during the lymph drainage part. Now I complied with the instruction, but mostly because I was thirsty after an hour and a half of going "mmm", "aahhh" and "OH MY GOD THAT FEELS GOOD!". Then we took a little nap and when we woke for supper we both felt dreadful, Elisabeth was affected worse than I was and felt really shitty. Wow, we thought, they release of toxin thing really did happen, maybe all the other stuff about reflexology, homeopathy and food allergies held a little truth too I thought.

Well that was until a day or so later when I was in the Ladismith computer shop having my memory card copied to CD and I happened to mention how hot and dry it was. "Yes" said the tannie behind the counter, "the drought is so bad that you can't even drink the water!".


"Ja, if you don't drink bottled water you'll get sick".

Case solved.

schpat out

PS: Don't forget the contest, entries close on the 30th.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Reports of my bachelorhood have been greatly exaggerated

Well folks, sorry about the not posting for a week, but I was on leave from work so that I could get married. It was a really wonderful day and my bride, Elisabeth if you were wondering, was beautiful. I'll post a picture or two tomorrow.

I've had a lot of congratulatory calls and stuff but what is most surprising is that people are congratulating me in the comments of this blog. That's surprising in a good way people. It just shows that even though people know me personally and have my email address and my cell number we're all part of this great big blog community. It's cool.

Anyway I'm probably going to get back to proper posting tomorrow but until then I'll announce the winner of the blog contest contest, contest... contest. And the winner is: TotalWaste with suggestion "H"

Best translation from one of george w.'s speeches into "what george was thinking when he said this"

Well done TW, please let me know where I can buy your gift certificate online, or if you're happy to have it handed over to you at the same time as your salty liquorice.

Now that that one is over people you can all go out and find a GW quote and "translate" it. As usual send your entries to schpat at gmail dot com . Any body can enter, that you too TW, entries will be open until the 30th April, winner will be decided by vote and again the prize will be a R100 gift certificate for your favorite multimedia store.

Good Luck All

Schpat Out