Smoke On The Water

Fire In The Sky


Wow the symphony of fire was really HAWSOME.

We met my family (extended) at the power boat club at around 19:00 after fighting our way through unbelievable traffic and almost impossible parking. We had to act quickly as the tide was going out and the boat wouldn't be able to get out of the harbor during the spring low. The problem was that my parents hadn't quite arrived yet. It was touch and go for a few moments but eventually they arrived and we got under way.

The weather was really great, nice and warm and almost zero wind. We anchored our boat and started the drinking and snacking. Only problem was that nobody had brought any drinks. Through a comedy of errors everybody thought they were bringing the food and the others were bringing the drinks. The snacks were great by the way. We managed to barter some of our excellent snacks for a few cans of cool drink and I had brought four mini bottles of champagne so in the end we got sorted out. Then the pyro show started.

ZOMFG!!!!!

We couldn't hear the music and out vantage point wasn't the best (we were kinda looking at the side of the show so a lot of the effects were hidden behind others) but being out on the open water with loved ones made it all worth while. It was so cool

I took hundreds of pictures, but the long shutter speed required didn't exactly sync well with the motion of the ocean and the overlapping of effects didn't help either. Still, a couple of shots came out really nicely. I personally think that one of my best was when I used the flash which filled the foreground and still captured the fireworks in the background, the foreground was my cousin and her boyfriend sitting on the bow of the boat cuddling while watching the show. It was just perfect, my depth of field was just right and everything was in focus, I even managed to keep the camera still for the 40th of a second the shutter was up and the framing was decent too. The only problem is that my cousin's damn thong is showing something mad and ruins an otherwise technically perfect shot. Total bummer (pun unintentional).



The show lasted for 30 min and got so loud at the end that my ears were ringing, I think we floated closer during the show, so close that the smell of explosives was overpowering. Afterwards we generally floated a bit and had a mini party.

The tide was still to low to take the boat out of the water but lucky my uncle had thought ahead and booked a berth at a fancy floating caravan park.


Here are some of the fancy floating caravans



I'm not joking, it's just like a caravan park, there's a place when you plug you floating caravan in and ablution blocks and everything. The only difference is that the ablution blocks have 2ply tp.

I had great fun and even as I sit and type this it feels like I'm swaying back and forth. It's weird and making me feel kinda sick actually.

IN THE NEWS

The judge in JZ's rape trial says that he can not kick the case out, he has stated that according to the evidence presented JZ will be found guilty if the defense does not put forward a convincing case. In light of the fact the the defense has played almost every card available to them this bodes not well for the exc-dep-prez.

This article reads more like a resume for bachelor number one than a description of the new director general of the NIA. It's kinda weird that they think the fact that he like whiskey and golf are hard hitting news.

In a wild turnaround Cosatu has spoken out in support of Helen Zille's halt on awarding contracts for the 2010 stadium. But Cosatu is famous for changing their minds, especially on the matter of their support for JZ. When you consider that the total bill for the 2010 event is going to be well over R250Bl or roughly half the entire countries governmental budget you've got to ask if we can really afford it.

I don't normally quote whole news stories but this one I just have to.

Berlin - German police discovered a truant teenager at home in bed with her boyfriend after a neighbour spotted a man climbing into her window and reported a burglary, authorities said on Wednesday.

Thinking he had witnessed a break-in, the neighbour called police, who sped towards the would-be crime scene with their siren blaring.

When officers arrived, the girl's mother told them the room belonged to her 15-year-old daughter who was at school.

Further investigation revealed the mother was wrong.

"She wasn't looking at school books, she was in bed with her boyfriend and was presumably learning something else," Frankfurt police said in a statement.

"Further investigation revealed the mother was wrong." and "presumably learning something else" are just priceless lines.

WELL THAT'S ALL

You've had enough pictures and I haven't seen any movies lately so all I'm going to do is remind you to vote for your favorite contest and the leave. Vote for your favorite, at the moment two of the contenders are exactly even with a rather significant portion of the votes, only you guys can change the outcome. Send me your votes.

schpat out.

Straight is the new Gay

Yep, I said it, you heard it here first, spread the word. Answers.com describes the Retrosexual as : "the antithesis of the metrosexual: a man with an undeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance and lifestyle".

Men are sick and tired of having to worry about their hair and skin. They're giving up learning to be sensitive and know when to cry in movies. Men are reclaiming their sexuality, John Wayne, Jack Palance and Telly Savalace would be proud. Chuck Norris started this thing and we're gona ride the wave to the end.


IN THE NEWS

Is this the end of D-TV? ICASA has developed and released a set of codes to be used by broadcasting and telecommunication providers when providing services to disabled people.

There's more controversy around Helen Zille placing a one week stop to the appointment of consultants for the Green Point Stadium Rebuild. Ebrahim Rasool is upset that she showed "no patience" on the issue, mmm her saying let's wait a week until we see proper financial models, I wonder what that was. Remember that the price tag of R1Bil is the whole of the City's budget for the year, the MayCo was told that the city would have to come up with "creative ways" to raise the cash. I've got a few ideas, and they all tie in with item B on the contest list.

If you want a story about a special kind of crazy, check this out. Johan Huibers is building himself an ark. Yes you read right, he's building a full size, scale replica (I don't get it either) of the biblical escape pod.

In their infinite wisdom the powers that be have declared that next time there is a storm in New Orleans shelters will not be provided. This is in a effort to make it "more attractive" for people to leave than it is to stay. I don't know if this is going to work, there's always the promise of looting.

They've done it again. In a continued attempt to get me to visit Las Vegas another attraction has been added. In addition to awesome shows, gambling, quick marriages and Pink(tm) strip clubs Now they have the largest buffet on earth, and it only costs $7.50 or about R 45. Powers failing, must resist.

In France a cosmetics factory was robbed of 10 000 jars of L'Oreak RevitaLift. The cops are on the look out for a well organised group of hardened criminals, with soft skin.

Ever doubted that there was a market for everything and anything? Well it's true, apparently you can even buy truckloads of raw sewerage. Not in enough shit? Buy some of ours.

YOGA
In India


In Australia


TONIGHT'S FESTIVITIES

It's been confirmed, I'm going to see the Symphony of Fire on my uncle's boat tonight. It's totally going to rock. Snacks, Alcohol and Pyrotechnics how could it get any better? So I gotta leave a little early today to prepare for that one. Coolies

schpat out

Interesting Times

Tonight I've got my game which I'm really excited about, it'll be really fun to actually get a session in tonight, I hope it happens. I found out that I may or may not be having an interesting evening tomorrow, but details are sketchy so I'll let you know tomorrow.

Well I missed out on the news section last time to here's a real bumper edition.

IN THE NEWS

Telkom promises us that even though 5000 of their workers will be on strike it will not effect their service in any way. Telkom spokesperson Charlotte Mokoena said that it was because "none of them did any work anyway". She didn't actually, but would have if she was being truthful.

Oh boo hoo. Red squirrels in the UK are dying out because North American Grey Squirrels are taking over in their habitat. Disaster! Let me inform my loyal readers of something, squirrels are just rats with good PR. Besides if one species of squirrel wipes out another isn't that just natural selection in process? They are however suggesting that in order to stop the takeover you order a squirrel, that's on a plate. Yes make grey squirrels the new national food of the UK and the reds will survive. What's better, red or dead?

Well luck men living in London, Los Angeles and Las Vegas may be in for a treat. Hot-Rocker-Chick Pink apparently wants to open a string of strip joints that she may even dance in herself. Some reckon that she's turning to stripping to make ends meet but a source close to her assures that it's because she loves erotic dance. You go girl!

Well I don't know if any of you rember Brett Kebble, he was a very rich mining magnate who was killed "execution style" in his car last September. Well guess what, it appears he had leant a metric fuckpile of his shareholder's cash to the ANC. Of course he also "lent" millions to some individual ANC heavyweights much in the same way that Shabir Shiek "lent" JZ some cash. This comes to light after a forensic audit into his affairs.

Room with a view? Well in Brooklyn you could get the same thing, with additional bars. Developers have suggested tearing down an old prison and replacing it with a shopping centre and apartment block, and putting another prison on top of all that. Weird. And speaking of prisons, this one is more of a vacation camp.

Wow, the "Third Force" or "Mysterious Guy" argument is getting a lot of air play recently. First Koeberg and now the bugging of individuals and opposition parties. This is not the first time that the DA have been bugged either. I not sure which is scarier, the fact that the NIA was able to spy on people without the government's knowledge or the fact that they may have been authorised.

Included as part of the above story is the whole hoax email saga. An interesting take on this story is that it provides instant "get out of jail free" cards for anybody in the government ever implicated to anything via email. It won't be long till faxes and letter get the same treatment. If Alec Irwin get's his way television footage will also be discredited. It looks like Billy Masetlha, who was head of the NIA until he was fired because of the debacle, is taking Thabo to court for unfair dismissal, should be fun.

Sleeping with the enemy. JZ has now hired some lawyers to battle against the media. He's claiming that the media is part of a plot to prevent him from becoming the next president. His team is headed by an ex conservative party MP, the man who defended they guys that killed Chris Hani in the 90's. I suppose situations like this can result in strange bed fellows. (just to be clear here, I'm not saying the JZ sexually assaulted his legal team, only that they got into bed together, in a figurative sense).

What do you get when you cross a pig and a round worm? No, not a porker can run a maze (see the SchpatDope), but a rather bacon that's good for your heart. Yes that's right, they've made pigs that produce omega fatty acids.

Even fine art is cashing in on movie tie-ins. A new exhibit if Leonardo Da Vinci's work that will tour across Europe has been launched. do you think it's coincidence that the movie "That Da Vinci Code" is to be released soon?

In a brave move new mayor Helen Zille has stopped further spending on the upgrade of Green Point Stadium until cost and funding issues can be sorted out. While I agree that the city doesn't need a one Billion Rand soccer stadium I think a lot of voters won't see it that way. It's kind of ironic that it's the same people who will benefit most from a billion rand spent on housing and service delivery that will complain the most about not getting a brand new soccer stadium.

What do you do when you crash the Ferrari you are test driving, of course you blame the pretty woman you were trying to impress. Duh.

If you read all this: Pass go, collect Two Hundred.

WHILE WE'RE NOT ON THE SUBJECT

Ok, so you all know by now that JZ's Lawyers are trying to get the case of rape against him thrown out of court. There latest argument is that the victim didn't say no... enough. They seem to have no problem admitting that she told JZ to leave her alone multiple time during the night, they have no problem admitting that she said no when he offered her a massage, but what they do have a problem with is that after he ignored her and performed the massage anyway she did not say no when he stripped her naked and had sex with her. My god people? Maybe she just realised that he was ignoring everything she was asking him to do.

Fuck, since when does a women have to say no multiple times before it actually becomes an answer in the negative? This dude is so obviously guilty that the defense, a highly regarded advocate, has nothing to work with and is simply grasping at straws. And to think that this man could have been our next President.

Unfuckingbelievable.

CONTEST

Votes are rolling in, rember that you only have until Monday morning to make your voice heard. Please show a little love for those that contributed and lets give them some votes.

JESUS KNOWS HOW TO HOLD 'EM

Yes these poker chips actually exist, scary aint it?


WHAT A RIDE

Well I haven't seen any movies lately so I'll tell you about another spectacle I witnessed on Friday night. I had to leave work a little early to run an errand and on my way home, just before hospital bend, I was passed by a bus from the Glendale Home for the Jewish Handicapped. Now that's not a home for gentiles or Judaisticly Challenged, but rather for handicapped Jewish folk, normally of the mentally challenged variety. Ok, I'm going to stop getting myself into trouble and pull myself out of the quagmire of political correctness by pointing you to their website here, and to think that this is all just background.

Anyway I was driving home and this bus full of mentally challenged individuals drove past and they all looked really happy and I thought "wow, that's so cool that people are looking after them and that they are happy", and I waved, and they smiled and waved back. It was really heartwarming and almost a life affirming type moment. It left me feeling quite good, like a movie starring Steve Martin would.

This would be a great story if it ended there, unfortunately it doesn't. About a minute later I heard a almighty screeching of tires as the Glendale bus drove straight into the back of a slow moving vehicle so hard that the impacted car somehow ended up on two wheels driving across three lanes of traffic and back before finally coming to rest against the barrier. This all happened about a twenty meters in front of me and the traffic was moving way too fast for me to stop. I did see in passing that the people in the bus had instantly gone from waving and smiling to crying and sobbing. It made me feel bad in movie starring Adrian Brody kind of way. When I passed the car the driver was slumped over the wheel and not moving, I did all I could and called an ambulance.

Does it make me a bad person for wondering if they had let one of the handicapped drive the bus? No, but making a joke about it would. Shit. In mitigation of my horrible sense of humor I did phone the home and they told me than none of the passengers were injured.

on that downer I leave you

schpat out

Now with title

Well it's been a really busy weekend. I've gotten up to so much stuff that I can't remember everything. And today's the big day so without any further ado, here is .....

CONTEST UPDATE

Finally, the day is here, I get to reveal all the entries that various people have submitted for the blog contest. It's quite a long list with lots of really good ideas, I was very impressed by the quality of the ideas, and I'm really looking forward to the quality of the entries for the topic chosen, it doesn't matter which one it is, they're all ubercool. Here they are in no particular order.

A) Coolest photo contest where people need to send you the coolest photo of themselves doing something.

B) The most suitable / inventive punishment for badly behaved government officials.

C) People send you the coolest postcard they can find and the best one wins the prize.

D) best usage for cold pizza / burrito / coleslaw / cold coleslaw and burrito pizza.

E) Hawsome invention essay competition where people have to think up a really cool invention and write an essay on what it does, how it works, and what makes it totally hawsome.

F) Most entertaining verifiable personal story.

G) Coolest weblink competition. People have to find really interesting websites and send you the links. the best one wins.

H) Best translation from one of george w.'s speeches into "what george was thinking when he said this"

I) A BlemeSpread competition where people create their own bleme and spread it by pinging only 4 other blogers. Blogger with the biggest bleme wins.

J) Most ______ photo taken with a public monument (the blank is blank on purpose)

Wow there sure are a lot of entries. Ok folks, choose one and send your vote, by letter, to schpat (at) gmail (dot) com. By doing this you'll be helping one of the contributors walk away with a gift certificate for R100, call it your charity work for the week. C'mon folks, show your love.

BROKEBACK BUSH


IN THE NEWS

No news is good news and I didn't have time to gather anything interesting for you today, sorry. With any luck this service will resume shortly. In the mean time I present another amusing picture to keep you amused.


MOVIES

This weekend I was so busy I didn't have any time to watch movies. I did start watching "Girl Interrupted" which looks very cool and I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of it. Other than that I've not got much to say. I may play in a 45 player MTT on PokerStars tonight that I may or may not live blog for you folks to read. If I do play I'll finally have earned enough Frequent Player Points to get myself a PokerStars cap, cool.

schpat out

ps: Oh, I almost forgot. My brother went to the Colab and apparently had a great time. He told me how he was in the front row and James Hatfield said his hair looked cool (bright red mohawk) and afterwards gave him his plectrum. r0><><0r11!!!!111

pss: vote for the contest!

Just a quickie

Yep, been busy, leaviong early today, still getting something out for my loyal readers.

IN THE NEWS

You know how sometimes I get angry about stuff, well here's a prime example. A four year old boy was fatally beaten for refusing to call his mother's lesbian lover "daddy". The child was so badly beaten that both his legs were broken. What's even worse is that the partner did this in front of three witnesses, two employees and the child's mother, who did nothing to stop her. At first the mother told doctors that the child had fallen in the bath, but experts say his injuries would be consistent with a 2 storey fall. Idiot Fuckers! How can you treat a child like that all because he refused to call you "daddy". If you're having sexual identity crisis that demands you kill four year olds for not doing something confusing and unnatural to them you need to be in a facility. :-#

After failing to enter negotiations with Nationwide Airways It looks like the SA Transport and Allied Workers' Union (Satawu) are resorting to the time honoured South African method for getting your way, they're claiming racisim.

Savanna Samson, a porn star, has recently launched an award winning wine. Critics assumed that the wine, adorned with a rather raunchy label featuring Samson, was merely a gimmick until it achieved a score of 91% from a top reviewer. That's no surprise when you find out about what I think is the more interesting part of the story, she hooked up with the Vatican's vintner to do it. I can see it now, wine for porn stars and popes.

A pair of stupid brothers have shelled out over 180k clams for the rarest bottle of whisky ever. Personally I don't believe that it's all that special, especially if you're not going to drink it. Ok, sorry they will open the bottle if someone offers to buy ten tots (one third) for R600k, madness. A bottle of hooch has no aesthetic qualities, it's value is in the flavour, go ahead... get your money's worth.

A Romanian mayor has gotten himself into some very hot water after hosting a party for women's day. Why so much trouble you ask? Because he hires male strippers to 'entertain' the ladies.

If any of you ladies have a fetish for very big men then get hold of Bao Xishun the worlds tallest man. He's out there, looking for love, much like Larry Laffer.

Wow a country where having an unlicensed dog is a big enough deal that they actually have inspectors to check up on you. It must be nice living in the Netherlands where we don't have to worry about rioting security guards, political sex scandals, government officials abusing the intelegence service to alter the outcome of their political parties succession battle or even our ex deputy president getting off a rape charge on a technicality. It would be nice wouldn't it?

LAST CHANCE TO WIN

Yes, those of you who only have interweb access during the week, it's your last day to get an idea to me for a contest. The coolest idea, as voted by the readers, wins a R100 gift certificate for their favourite multimedia outlet. Get cracking!

Those of you with home access have until monday morning to send me your submissions. send them to schpat at gmail dot com. Go on, you know you want to.

IT'S JUST A MOUSE

Today's pic can is a little risqué. It's not smutty, but looks it! I personally wouldn't like anybody to have just a passing glance at the picture on my screen so I've put a link to it that you can click on when few people, or likeminded people, are around. Enjoy.

THAT'S ME

Well folks, that's me for another week. I hope you enjoyed our time together, be sure to tune in next week for more thrills, spills and chills. Also Voting for the 'Contest' contest starts on monday, be there.

schpat out

Hectic Bru

Wow work is totally hectic right now. 'Hectic Bru'... that's just the height of lame Cape Town isn't it?

There's not too much in the news that I want to comment about, all's quiet after the public holiday. The Donnald did have another child though, this one by his Slovenian model wife, hopefully the kid gets her hair and not his. Surely his other kids want him to stop, further children simply thin the inheitance pool.

I have a gash on my finger that really hurts, okay it's more of a scratch and not really hurting so much as annoying, but it's a really deep scratch.

CONTEST

Entries are hotting up, you are allowed to enter as many times as you like, your entries should be mailed to me (schpat at gmail dot com) and I'll be posting a full list on Monday. That's right, you have until monday at about lunch time to get your ideas for a contest in, but don't leave it until then you may just forget and miss out on the chance to win a R100 gift certificate. Do the math, it's money for nothing.

AND SPEAKING OF PUBLIC HOLIDAYS

Well I didn't know that 'Human Rights Day' was to commemorate the Sharpeville Massacre, I thought that was June 16 'Youth Day', so I looked it up. Of course I was wrong but I was very surprised to see that out of the 7 non-religious public holidays in South Africa 5 commemorate uprisings and protests, 1 freedom from minority oppression and 1 national heritage. One of the 5 commemorating uprisings is supposedly a day for all of the rainbow nation to reconcile and forgive each other. If reconciliation and forgiveness truly are the government's intention why then do we have so many opportunities for politicians to remind everyone how bad apartheid was, and how guilty white people should feel, scheduled right there on our calendars? It's because it helps keep the population focused on ancient history and united in the same way a common enemy unites people, thus avoiding the actual issues at hand and getting rid of a government that is doing nothing much for them. Hey it worked for the national part too, I'm just pointing the practice out.

FUNNY PIC

No pic for you, blogger is teh su><><0r

ANOTHER MOVIE

Last night I watched "The Prime Gig" a very cool movie starring Vince Vaughn. I'll admit, I love Vaughn, I've checked out his filmography and can't see a single movie I disliked, I think he is terrifically undervalued as an actor. The movie itself is relatively low budget and also stars Ed Harris. Set against a telemarketing backdrop we follow two weeks in the life of a top sales man. Obviously there's more than that, there's conflict and consequence and some really good acting, not all the reviews I've read complimented the movie but I enjoyed it and don't think I wasted my time. If you don't see this movie though you should check out "Blackball", a British movie about lawn bowls starring Vaughn as a overachieving sports agent, it was really funny.

Anyway, that's it for today.

Schpat Out

Monday Round-Up

Thanks for taking the time to read my miserable attempt at playing in a poker tournament, I'm much too tight and weak, I'm gonna fix that though, here's what you'll find in this issue:

News, Contest, A movie I watched last night.... Read On

THERE SURE IS A LOT OF NEWS

But is it porn? Spencer Tunick, famous for his large group nudes is at it again, this time he's doing in Caracas around a statue of Simon Bolivar, a revolutionary who happens to have one of my favorite cigars named after him. Nudity, Cigars, C[a]rac(k)as(s)? It's porn right?

Wow, proactive Policing in South Africa. Not what we've come to expect but I welcome it.

Have you paid to see Metallica or any of the other major acts at the Coca-Cola CoLab? What a lame name btw. Well you may be disappointed by your concert experience as Big Concerts have been accused of very poor organisation at the Tshwane (another lame name) event. One fan was quoted as saying: "The monumental incompetence of the organisers of this event is stupefying!". My brother is going here in Cape Town one so I hope things are better.

Does what these guys have done make them any better than those they did it to? Discuss.

There's a lot of technical language that I don't understand here, basically it's a story about the big bang and stuff. What I found interesting was that according to them the universe expanded "many trillion times its size in less than a trillionth of a second". Maybe I'm missing something here, but surely that mean that matter travled faster than the speed of light?

So to follow up Dan Brown is still in court. Do you think that's it's just coincidence that the whole Davinci Code thing is getting some more publicity just before the movie is released?

Yet more instances of corruption by senior government officials? I'm not sure, in some cases these could well be oversights, but I'm sure not in all of them. Hey guys, people are trusting you to run a country, you could at least get the small things right! I was going to say "We are trusting you" then I realised that I haven't put my trust in them at all.

Well apparently the arms deal wasn't a complete waste of time. The SA Navy will be ferrying the new rotor for Koeberg from france. So all is forgiven Tony, Shabir and Jacob. Let's just hope the numbnuts don't drop it overboard.

Speaking of Tony Yengeni (he got the free Merc, was convicted of corruption and hasn't gone to jail yet remember). Apparently he was racially victimised by an official at a Cape Town golf course. Tony, did you ever think that maybe when he said: "I told you clearly at the pro shop you must use the first tee, not the 10th - it was clear. What's wrong with you people. You people never listen, do you?" that by "you people" he meant power-hungry corrupt politicians who don't follow the rules? I don't suppose that "blood on the grass" could have been more figurative than literal?

Movie theaters in the States are considering asking permission to jam cell phone reception in their theaters. Obviously this will stop annoying people from interrupting your movie, but what happens in the event of an emergency. Wil Wheaton makes an interesting comment about it in his latest podcast.

CONTEST UPDATE

South Africa's best blogs were recognised in a ceremony in Cape Town on the weekend. I've had a look at the winner and honestly I don't know what all the fuss is about. I think that most of the runners up are better, but I suppose that's how democracy works. The guy who runs this blog won a whopping R20,06 for his efforts.

Now if you want to win almost 5 times that amount all you need to do is submit the winning contest idea. That's right, no need to slave for months hacking out an interesting blog, just one good idea for a contest could win it for you. I've already received a few goodies but you still have until the end of the week to enter. Are you going to let this opportunity for greatness slip though your hands?

I like the idea of a contest on the blog and I'd really like to make it a regular thing, say once a month, but in order to make it successful I'll really need your, that's the reader's, help in making them exciting. It's really boring if only one person ever enters, but you guys can spice things up by all playing along. Also it wouldn't hurt if people spread a little link love out there. I'm going to keep the prize at about R100 for at least the first three months, that excludes this month, but unless we achieve some interest this experiment is going to fail. You Can Doo EEit!

LAZY?


THAT MOVIE

Last night Elisabeth and I watched 'Man on Fire', man that was a excellent movie. It was so much better than I expected it to be. The movie was soo GD cool, the cinematography was hawsome and they even managed to use the subtitles with creative effect, it's a must see for people who appreciate good movies. I was thinking to myself that there must be some way to find out what movies are good even though they look and sound like they're gonna suck. I know we shouldn't judge a DVD by its cover but I'm pretty much too lazy, um busy, to do anything else. For a second there I thought I had it, Dakota Fanning. Yes it had to be it, any movie starring this tiny bundle of brilliant acting had to be double worth watching! Then the bubble burst, she's in War of the Worlds. There goes my theory. Maybe Tom Cruise negates the Fanning Effect.

BEFORE I GO

If you still get this entry on monday, try to catch 'Hustle' on SABC 3 at 21:00. It's a six part miniseries from the UK about Confidence Men. If you liked movies like 'Matchstick Men' and 'Catch Me If You Can' you might like 'Hustle'. It started last week, but all they did was introduce the characters. At this point it's either going to be great or really sucky, tune in tonight and find out for yourself.

schpat out

Live Blog

Anyway, so no blog from me today. Sorry all. Instead I've decided that I'll LiveBlog a poker tournament for you this evening. Ofcourse if I do something stupid I'll never post it, lol. Here goes:

23:35 I've signed up for a tournament on PokerStars, It has cost me $1 + 0.10 to enter and currently there are 689 entrants and 12 min until it starts. I'm playing in a $3 + 0.30 Sit n Go while I wait. I'll keep you updated on that too.

23:40: Check this movie out, it's pretty fucking amazing. Glad I never played against him in my youth.

23:37: slow playing AA in SNG flop brings nothing, lots of players in, I bet T$50 all by two fold, they check. Turn is blank, I bet T$100, both call. River is a real blank, only someone with a pair of crap in the hole that has hit the board, or two really crap pair can beat me, to get rid of them I bet T$600, one caller, in fact he goes all in, woot, I call. He shows Q8o, there is a Q but no 8 on the board, I more than double up, woot!

23:45; just took two short stacks out in the SNG,

23:46 Play in the main tourney has started, final count is 1381 entrants, wish me luck

23:52 playing in two tables at once is not as easy as it sounds, I hope I win the SNG soon. My stratergy in the MTT is just to hang in there at the moment, and wait for all the chancers to get knocked out.

23:58: got taken out of the SNG is 3rd, it's not too bad. Now I can concentrate on the MTT, My goal is to last out the first two hours.

00:00 only 1104 players left in this thing

00:07 gonna fast play my KK, raise 10x BB, one caller, flop comes AhJh3d giving me an ok chance of taking it, I bet T$100 the other dude calls. Turn is a 6h maybe givng the other dude a fush but I still have a good pair and a nut flush draw, he goes all in, but with only T$230 so I call. He shows a 6x, i get another heart and end up with the flush and I win, woot. It's a small pot though and my stack is still slightly below average.

00:20: I'm curently 430th out of 734 palyers left, about 25 min to the first break.

00:22 I get KK again. BB is T$50 I raise 3x BB to 200, dude goes all in with 975, another dude calls, I've got to call. Flop comes A7A and I semibluf the other caller off the pot. All in dude has QQ, I win again. Now I'm 138th out of 760 with 1.5 average stack.

00:24 Just laid down KQ pre flop, dude before me raised, he had QQ woot, go me

00:46 First break = toilet break

00:47 On the way to the bathroom I noticed that e-TV has porn on, meh. OK, this is how things stand in the MTT. Currently I am 291 out of 504, my stack is T$2825, average is T$4110, I've lost about T$1000 since my last win. If I can last another hour I'll be happy with my performance.

00:52 Tournament started again

01:04 Just had my AK beaten by K2 when the turn came 2, I lost about T$600 ;(

01:16 OK I'm out, Had my KK cracked by QQ getting a Q in the flop, aww well shit happens. I came 320th, it's ok but I'll do better next time.

cheers

Not what I promised

Last night I was listening to Radio KOL because I was bored with my music collection and wanted something else. RKOL is actually pretty cool and they play a bunch of really good music. The reason I mention this is because song that I really enjoyed was from a band called "Ludo", it was called "Good Will Hunting By Myself" and is all about this guy whose girlfriend has left him and now he has to watch Matt Damon crying by himself. It's a really catchy song and the band sound great, I'm definitely going to see what I can do about getting some of their Music.

THE IRISH

While listening to RKOL one of the DJs (Rudebaber I think) played nothing but Irish music for an hour and a half. It was pretty cool. There was old stuff from like Foster and Allan, stuff from River Dance, the Theme from The Boondock Saints, Irish contemporary rock like The Cranberries and also some very cool Irish Indie music. What was really awesome was that no U2 was played at all, rock on!

While listening to all this music I noticed a few themes that Irish people like to sing about. They are Death, Poverty and Drinking, but drinking was by for the clear winner! I suppose you probably wouldn't notice it unless you actually listened to that much Irish music at once. Sometimes they were drinking because they were poor and sometimes they were drinking because someone had died but the point is they were drinking most of the time. Now I know what Miles O'Brien gets up to when not running the transporter room.

Then an unexpected thing happened. While listening one of the DJs mention a KOL name I recognised which reminded me of someone I really thought was a friend until one day I never ever saw him again. You know who you are and if by some odd chance you ever find yourself reading this then me, and a bunch of others, want to know WTF? Dude seriously we want to know. Some of you may point out that people have run into him by accident quite a couple of times, bullshit, that was a pod person/body snatcher.

IN THE NEWS

Well it's good to know that religious extremists never give up. No time limit has been given on the cartoonist that drew pictures of the Prophet Mohammed. But then what do you expect from a religion founded by a man who ordered someone put to death for insulting him (read the article). Maybe the cartoonists and Salman Rushdie should start a support group.

Speaking of totally fucking over-reacting to an insult, an opposition MP in Zimbabwe has been arrested and may fact jail time for insulting El Presidente Bob Mugabe. What was this heinous insult that has brought the full wrath of the police down upon this politician? He asked some soldiers "Why do you let Mugabe let you suffer?". One of the soldiers reported him to the police and Bob's your uncle, or totalitarian autocrat as the case may be.

I really don't understand what this story is doing in the paper. Must have been a slow news day.

In a new twist on MMORPGs now there's one that lets you be a good little socialist. This is no joke either, it's been built in China, probably with government funding, to apparently 'educate' youths about the liberation struggle martyr Lei Feng.

CAPE TOWN POLITICS

I don't have much to say on the issue, actually I've got plenty to say I'm just lacking in the energy to say it. The DA and it's partners (note there is no coalition) have won power in the Cape Town City Council. Pulling this off has shocked the ANC and the ID who thought they had the whole thing tied up. It was only the honour, convictions and loyalty to the voters of the much smaller parties that allowed the DA to win.

The ID seems to have sided with the ANC despite Patricia Delille's vehement denials of agreements with any of the other parties and statement to the effect that they would be voting for their own mayoral candidate Simon Grinrod. Delille herself actually recently told the Financial Mail she would "under no circumstances" support ANC's mayoral candidate Nomaindia Mfeketo for mayor. Afterwards she said that they supported the ANC because they felt closer on their poverty alleviation and anti-racism stand points. Anti-racism? Wasn't it the ANC deputy mayor who claimed that all coloured people were drunken layabouts with no self respect? I suppose that the ANC's actions around corruption and other illegal activities didn't come into the picture at all.

In short I fell the ID has made a grave mistake by siding with the ANC. People in the Cape voted for them as an opposition party and by abandoning them in favour of the ANC they will have lost all credibility. Patricia, if you need an example just look at the NNP and as Martinus Van Schkalkvyk what he thinks his job prospects are.

Ultimately none of this matters because when floor crossing comes around we all know what's going to happen.

INTENTIONAL?


KISS OFF

Well I promised you a granadilla juice story but you're just going to have to wait for it. Nyah, nyah.

schpat out

Hump Day

Last night I bailed on role-playing. I feel really bad about it but because of my hectic work schedule I just needed some quiet time with Elisabeth. Reports are still out as to whether or not everybody else actually pitched for the game, my bet is that they didn't but if they did I feel worse. I took Elisabeth out to have supper at the Waterfront at a cool Portuguese restaurant called Tosca De Something. We each had the rump espetada, mmm yummy. After that we went to La Playa for coffee and got the worst service ever, not what I'm used to after last time my table was booked for me by name just because the waitress saw me coming (thanks Erica). Needless to say this one got no tip.

That brings me to an interesting question. If you get bad service does the waitron deserve a tip? I mean do you just give a small tip, or no tip at all. Also what if the service is excellent, do you tip more than the standard? What's the standard tip amount, and what's the standard service? Does a waitron deserve a tip just for pitching up and not being rude? Thoughts people, in the comments, thanks.

On another point of interactivity: don't all email me at once with your contest ideas! No seriously, send some ideas in already. Is the allure of a R100 gift certificate not strong enough to elicit a response from your competitive cortexes (or is that cortexi or collective cortexacopia)? C'mon people. For international readers I can also make it a gift certificate at any major online store, R100 is about $15).

In this issue: news, thoughts on chain letters, amusing pic and another movie I saw recently

IN THE NEWS

Now we're in real trouble. Alex Erwin has stated that there is no national energy crisis. Here's a quote from him: "It is important that we get some sanity back and do not get influenced by inaccurate reports." I wonder what inaccurate reports he's talking about? He also said he didn't want to get into a "semantic debate: over what he said about the sabotage. Hey, Alec, we're not arguing semantics, we're accusing you of lying to influence the outcome of local government elections, get it straight you lying halfwit!

A Greek Orthodox monk's body is apparently completely intact 15 years after his burial. For some reason the the Orthodox church is not wanting to proclaim the man a saint and are instead pursuing medical explanations for the occurrence. Maybe its got something to do with the fact that "Even the monk's soft parts are intact" according to Bishop Nikolaos of the Fthiotida prefecture.

Yesterday yellow snow in Korea and today red snow in Russia. I'm not promoting racial stereotypes here but it seems like they guy deciding on weather is from the cold war. (really bad unintentional pun)

So you want a billion dollars in green and folding? You want it to fit in your wallet? Well, this dude could make it happen for you. I just don't understand where he was going to spend a billion dollars. It's be like that running joke in Leisure Suit Larry II where nobody could give you change so they just kept the large denomination bills. Seriously, what moron would be fooled by a billion dollar note?

A young schoolgirl in the UK broke her ankle while playing with friends, after returning to school she was told to go home because her plaster cast was a health hazard. That's almost as bad as Baa Baa Rainbow sheep!

Speaking of banned, you've got to be pretty annoying to be banned from a whole city, but that's what this woman has achieved. Because of her antics around not paying for restaurant bills she has been banned from the city of Rome.

STUPID CHAIN LETTERS

Do you know what really pisses me off? Those stupid emails that have a list of funny things or coincidences that are so unbelievable that they are funny. Except that I think these things are so unbelievable that they're stupid. You know the ones, like the Darwin Awards and, the one I got today, the Stella Awards. The Stella Awards are supposedly handed out for frivolous litigation by people who were harmed by their own stupidity. Named after the women who successfully sued McDonalds for burning herself with their coffee, they supposedly include stories like

A guy who have sued a family for staving them after getting locked in the garage while they were away on holiday for eight days. How did he get there, he was trying to rob them. or

A dude who sued a dog owner after being bitten by his dog that was chained in his own yard. What had he been doing in the yard? Shooting the dog with a pellet gun.

These stories are so stupid that a simple search of Snopes or even Google will tell you that they are not real. People please check your facts before sending out stupid lists of things that are really funny, but obviously of dubious authenticity.

Things like this do happen in real life, they're just rarely as funny and almost never successful. As with the Darwin Awards, there is actually a site that is dedicated to real life Stella Awards go check it out if you're interested. My personal favorite is this one:

And the winner of the 2005 True Stella Award: Christopher Roller of Burnsville, Minn. Roller is mystified by professional magicians, so he sued David Blaine and David Copperfield to demand they reveal their secrets to him -- or else pay him 10 percent of their lifelong earnings, which he figures amounts to $50 million for Copperfield and $2 million for Blaine. The basis for his suit: Roller claims that the magicians defy the laws of physics, and thus must be using "godly powers" -- and since Roller is god (according to him), they're "somehow" stealing that power from him.

That's some funny shit. I actually hope this guy wins and they show him how they do their tricks. Of course I think he'll have to prove his godly powers first, that should be a hoot.

I've had to deal with so many urban legend emails over the years that all I do these days is "Reply to All" on the invariably infinite cc list and paste the Snopes page for the legend into the mail. Hopefully this embarrasses the perpetrator into either checking his sources next time or preferable not clogging my inbox with spam at all.

INTENTIONAL?


MOVIE I WATCHED RECENTLY

Superman II. This movie is proof of everything I hate about big budget special effects pieces that have no substance. Just like the first movie it was all an excuse for showing off a man in tights flying around and lifting heavy objects. The acting was atrocious and the story moved so quickly that there was no time for any meaningful character development, it just moved from once stunt to another. The slapstick bits in the middle of the main fight scene between Superman and General Zod and his minions were really awful. And don't even get me started on the "removing your powers is irreversible until you want them back" plot hole. Ultimately the movie was very successful in 1980, but because it relied so heavily on special effects for that success it is now extremely dated and, yes, crap. There are so many of these films coming out these days that it almost makes me want to puke, these are the boy bands of movies. Manufactured purely to be sold on hype and after they're watched by the masses and made the producers millions they get thrown on the pile like the fetid garbage that they are. You can read more about my feelings on cash cow movies from my previous post here. It did have Terance Stamp in it, which I'd forgotten.

That reminds me, I still want to popularise the word "brung".

SIGNING OFF

So anyway, nice to dump my mind at you folks again. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another granadilla juice bottle story, and remember to submit contest suggestions (schpat at gmail dot com).

schpat out

Packed Full

There are some things about bloging that I hate, well three things in particular. I really love most of the aspects of bloging (the community, the creative outlet, a place to air one's views) but I often have so much difficulty with three parts of the blog that I sometimes don't post at all, The Beginning, The Middle and The End. Nah, just fooling, actually I hate coming up with Titles, Intro's and Outro's. The most difficult of those, that most often affects whether there is a post or not, is the Intro. Notice how I handled that with meta this time? Yeah, sharp!

In this issue: News, teh phunny, competition update and a movie a watched in the last few days.

IN THE NEWS

Afrikaans punk rockers Fokofpolisiekar have brought righteous fury down upon themselves in a very Beatle-esc display of blasphemy. Religious leaders are threatening to withdraw church halls as venues for the Klien Karoo Nationale Kunstefees (KKNK) if the organisers allow the band to perform. Sense of humor failure.

The ANC has proposed constitutional change in order to do away with the official position of "Leader of the Opposition". I'm not sure what the official title allows one to do, but trying to getting rid of the position just shows us what the ruling parties attitude to opposition really is. As if we didn't know.

Sudoku has a new world champion. Yes the addictive logic puzzle is now a thrilling spectator sport probably soon to be televised on ESPN. Apparently it's comparative to Darts in excitement levels. "One Hundred and Eighty, What an Athlete!"

A dumb 16 year old daughter of a NG Kerk Domanie has successfully gotten a court interdict against a man she has never met to stop him from distributing or having in his possession any pictures of her exposed breasts and genitals. How would he have gotten these pictures? Did he place cameras in the school showers? Did he hide outside her room with an obscenely large zoom lens? No, she sent them to him, on her cell phone. Read this one, it's amazing how dumb people can be.

Those German's a crazy. A man was given a €400 fine after biting a waitress on the foot. This transpired after the man spilt beer on her foot and she presented the perambulatory aendage in question and demanded that he lick it clean. When the man bit it, drawing blood, she got very upset and had to take ten days off work. Weird.

Alec Erwin seems to be in talks with Transnet unions about the ongoing mass action by their members. Of course next week we'll find out that there were never any talks, there is in fact no organisation called Transnet and the members were hypothetical. Purely based on a pattern of past behavior of course

A women in Covington, Louisiana, has found a very rare and valuable autographed first edition of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables. This story would be very boring except for two things. The women who found the 17 volume set in some rubbish said that "Jesus told her to take them" and the book store they talk about in the story is called "The Philosopher's Stone Bookstore", that's a bitchslap right there.

It appears that Slobodan Milosevic may in fact have committed suicide by taking the wrong pills on purpose.

In Korea they've got a problem with excessive yellow snow, even without the huskies.

Has Donald Rumsfeld managed to sway public opinion of the Avian Flu issue for his own financial gain, or is this just another conspiracy theory? You decide.

COMPETITION UPDATE

I like running competitions for the readers here on my blog. So far I've run two, both of which had indefinite running times, they relied on outside circumstances to finish. The Lonely finger challenge was the last of these, and when we found out that it was actually just a lame 5fm ad (honestly it could have been so much cooler) we were deeply disappointed. We did award the prize to the most correct person, but because he was so far from correct I made it a very small prize.

Well it's time for a new competition. I've thought long an hard about what my next offering should be, but I just can't seem to come up with anything. I wanted the contest to run for a finite period and have a clear winner at the end, but I still couldn't think of anything, so I decided that the next prize will be for the person that comes up with the coolest competition!

That's right, all readers will have until the 25th of April to submit contest ideas. At the end of the period the readers, that's you, will have a week to vote on which idea they thought was best and that will become our contest for the month of April. The prize for that contest will be decided based on how cool the idea is, but the prize for this contest is a One Hundred Rand Gift Certificate to you favorite multimedia store (Look & Listen, Musica, Take2.co.za, ect). There you go, you know the prize up front, submit your ideas. I'd prefer you to send me ideas via email so that nobody influences anyone else. My address is schpat at gmail dot com, put "blog contest" in the subject line. I'm waiting for your mail!

There is a catch however, if you win this contest you will not be eligible for the one you suggest. That stops people suggesting that the contest should be for the best male netball player named sean, or something.

TOO TRUE BROTHER


A MOVIE I WATCHED RECENTLY

A few nights ago I saw Angela's Ashes. Man that was a cool movie. It was sad but funny. The characters lived in absolute poverty and some really shitty things happened to them, but they still managed to make the best of situation and have a good laugh most of the time. If you liked other period dramas about poor people who struggled a lot you'll like this one too. What makes Angela's Ashes even cooler is that it was a true story, based on the early life the author Frank McCourt. Oh yes it was a book before it was a movie and the sequel book is call "'Tis".

Schpat Out

Blue Monday

It's been a very long day. I've had loads of work to do, I've barely had enough time to have lunch and make myself a cup of tea. Due to this there will be no major post today, I don't even know what's in the news myself. Tomorrow I'll be back in form again, I promise.

Until then, thanks for listening.

I'm off to buy a vending-machine toasted sandwich. What will they think of next?

schpat out

TGIF

Well week one of my full blog is drawing to an end. I would have been happier if I had blogged on monday too, but you can't have everything. While I'm on the topic of improvements, I see a lot of you out there ready this here corner of the interweb and I'd really appreciate your feed back. There are a bunch of you folks up north that read and while I know a few people up there I'm not sure who is reading, so leave a comment or two. Also If you don't see your blog listed on my blogroll just let me know, I'm planning on updating the damn thing soon.

So without further ado, in this issue: news, amusement, personal comment and the three best burgers in Cape Town.

IN THE NEWS

Say it ain't so! The Hoff's been beating his wife. Man that's just not cool, Michael Knight would never have done a thing like that. But, alas, we all know that Michael Knight died the day The Hoff put on a pair of Speedo. In the bad taste department Yirmumah has a comic about celebrity wife beating featuring Ike & Tina and The Hoff.

Saturn's moon Enceladus shows signs of water. Knowing about IOL's previous treatment of scientific discovery this probably isn't even really news anymore, but I thought I'd mention it.

Women's right activists are using inflatable sex dolls in an effort to curb the objectification of women in the land of machismo.

Britons are offended by Australian Tourism's rude new catch phrase: "Where the bloody hell are you?". So much so in fact that they've banned the advert. God damn it people, they can show the ad in Salt Lake City and nobody minds much, grow a fucking sense of humor. Then again maybe all the people in Salt Lake City that would be offended have already shunned TV?

What do you think about this rather defensive statement from ex-head of Koeberg. Kinda interesting huh? The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Austrians are special. That's my conclusion after they decided to grind up a chondite meteorite and sprinkle it on postage stamps. While this might seem like a cool idea can you guys think of any possible better way to spread an alien virus? I mean this is like a Sci-Fi that just writes itself.

In a close second to the Penis Story we have a Dildo Story. Denmark's national symbol, a statue of the little mermaid in Copenhagen, was defaced by having said sex toy attached to it. "March 8th", national women's day in Denmark, was also painted in the statue, but authorities doubt this was the work of feminists. Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

And in a surprise return the is actually another Penis Story this week! A German burglar has managed to escape prison due to the fact that he has a permanent erection. Not even sticking needles in it helped, I'm sure a course of leeches would though.


THE PHARMACY MESS

It looks like esteemed health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang is trying to fuck pharmacists again. Damn pinko scum, have you ever heard of the free market? Here's an alternate solution for you, give poor people free medicine and let the rest of us decide what works best for us. I was really upset the first time this legislation was introduced because the pharmacy where I get my medicine from used to give huge discounts but were no longer allowed to under the new legislation. In an emergency if I couldn't make it out to the discount pharmacy I was more than happy to pay a premium to the local pharmacy just for convenience sake.

The health minister really doesn't have very much to worry about. Large corporation are going to put small pharmacies out of business by competing against them much quicker than she can. An example of this is the fact that Clicks plans on having a pharmacy in every store, it's not for the pharmacy cash, but rather as a means to get you into their shop and buy their items.

A free market and competition driving prices down. who would ever have thought?

AN UPDATE ON NEWS AND RANT

Well you've all watched CSI, NCIS, Crossing Jordan, Medical Detectives or some cloned variation of the aforementioned shows? Remember how those folks were able to comb a crime scene and uncover the minutest little fragment of fiber or hair that would lead to the apprehension and prosecution of evil lawbreakers? Didn't the fact that there were trained professionals working for the police help you sleep better at night? Well I don't want to shatter your illusions but these trained pro's took 27 hours to find a little girls body that was under the bed in the room that she was supposedly kidnapped from. This is because we are living in South Africa, where police rely on good luck and confessions to solve crimes, as opposed to actual investigative work.

That's right the body of the four year old granddaughter of Gauteng Judge President who was "kidnapped", was found under her bed yesterday. The picture on the right shows the number of policemen on the scene shortly afterwards who failed to discover her.

National police commissioner Jackie Selebi has gone on record as stating that he has "never experienced such levels of incompetence before". He has promised that heads will roll.

Gauteng police commissioner Perumal Naidoo stated that there was nothing wrong, the police didn't miss anything, they conducted a thorough search of the premises and found the body. He didn't think that the fact that they only search one half of the house yesterday leaving the other half for today was an issue. Stupid, fucking, arse-covering moron. He deserves to be dragged out into the street and shot. What was the emotocon for rage? >:# (I'm going with this until further notice.

BURGER HEAVEN

Ok, so now to the part where I tell you folks about the three best burgers in Cape Town, or at least the three places to go for the best burgers in Cape Town. These are not your normal Steers or Spur burgers, let alone McDonald's. These burgers are works of art that are almost too perfect to consume, but too tempting not too.

Second Runner Up: Saul's Saloon, Main Road Seapoint.

Saul's makes an excellent burger. They're big, hearty and come with a metric fuckpile of chips. They have various options on the size of the burgers and even do chicken, but unfortunately their variations on the burger theme leave a little to be desired. I love Saul's, I have fond memories of dropping my brother off at school when he missed his bus and letting him skip a few extra periods with me while we stuffed ourselves with Saul's goodness. Another major advantage is that Saul's is open 24 hours a day, but the area leaves a little to be desired.

First Runner Up: The Starlight Diner, Tygervally (in the parking lot opposite the Velodrome)

The Starlight Diner, is a magical place that reminds you of 50's american culture. It;s a proper diner complete with booths and a bar counter, the waitron uniforms are pretty authentic too. As I've mentioned there are booths, these are roomy and comfortable, with ample space to stretch out and enjoy your evening. The menu at Starlight is bliss with many, many appealing dishes, but we're here to talk about burgers. The burgers are very good, very large, and very tasty. There are a bunch of varieties with amazing toppings that are out of this world. Starlight is also open 24 hours a day. This is also the place that comes closest to offering that elusive "five dollar shake" talked about at Jack Rabbit Slim's on Pulp Fiction. At current exchange rates it's only a $3.17 shake, but that' s because of a weak rand and not the poor quality of the shake. My personal favorite is the Oreo cookie shake, or the peanut butter shake. As Vincent Vega says, "that's a damn fine shake".

And the Winner is: Royale (Long Street, Cape Town)

This place is named as another reference to Pulp fiction (Royale with cheese). I've never actually been there so I can't comment on the place, but I've had Mr Delivery from them on numerous occasions. This place is undoubtedly the best burger joint in town, undoubtedly. Variety is unmatched. The burgers are the bozmb! My favorite burger here is "The Fat Bastards", a double burger with double everything. That's some yummy shit! Sadly Royale is not open 24hrs so you can't just pop down after partying all night when you need something hot and greasy in your stomach. If you do go however make sure to try their sweet potato chips, they're brilliant with sour cream.

If you folks do go out and try these burgers please let me know and give me some feedback on what you thought.

HOT SAUCE


THE END OF THE POST AS WE KNOW IT

Well, I didn't watch any movies last night, so you're shit outa luck there. Also I'm really tired and I've got some commitments that just can't wait. I feel that this has been a good post, I even worked in two totally natural quotes from Shakespeare, from the same play even, who says this blog isn't erudite (did I spell that right?). Until next time I leave you with this thought:

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are" ~ Theodore Roosevelt

schpat out

It's Just Too Big!

Last night Elisabeth and I went to my folks place for supper. We had pasta and watched the weakest link on my mother's BIG screen TV. I capitalised BIG because this is the biggest TV I have ever seen in my life, it's like those ones they have in sports bars. A friend of hers gave it to her when they got a new one. It's about ten years old and I think that it's been bumped and the projection lenses knocked out of alignment because it's a bit fuzzy, but that shouldn't be too hard to fix. It is very cool though.

Anyway, enough being jealous at my mother's BIG TV, on with the post.

IN THE NEWS

The Pope has an IPOD, but who doesn't? Except for me of course. It was given to him by Vatican Radio and he's often spotted with the "distinctive white earphones" listening to religious and classical music. You'd have thought that Vatican Radio would have sprung for at least a 30GB IPOD Photo and not the silly little IPOD Nano.

The granddaughter of Gauteng Judge President Bernard Ngoepe has been kidnapped. The police are not linking this kidnapping to the Judge President's work, or his son's who is a magistrate, especially not the Jacob Zuma trial, but I think it's possible that a link may exist, especially when regarding the manner in which JZ's supporters have been acting.

A twelve year old child in East London has managed to get to Grade 6 without being able to read. The principal of the school says it's not their fault!

A nursery school in London has ordered that an age old nursery rhyme be changed to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep after deciding that the word black may offend some children. Honestly I think it's got more to do with offending the children's parents, four and Five years olds rarely care about Politically Correct issues, preferring to worry about crayons and how icky girls are.

Raging feminist Germaine Greer has expressed outrage about a car advert that she says is humiliating and offensive to women. The advert apparently shows a man daydreaming about "doing daring things in a four-wheel drive" with a woman who is not his partner. Greer advocates violence against the Holden motor company as a form of protest. She further goes on to state that "I promise you, they wouldn't dare do it in Europe - they wouldn't dare." Um, lady, Europe is where they use sex and naked women to sell everything from fruit juice to newspapers. What planet are you from?

This dude in California believes that he was held-up and shot as an act of god because surgery to repair his injuries led to the discovery of a tumor in his abdomen. Wow, you really can convince yourself of anything can't you. There's also a story about a bunch of people that died in church when a wall collapsed on them, where's your god in that?

An finally another IOL penis story. British model Jodie Marsh keeps Polaroid snaps of her boyfriend's penises. She says she keeps them because it's a good way of remembering them and also to blackmail them into not selling stories about her. BTW: if you do an Google Image search for "Jodie Marsh" make sure your safe search is on or you aren't at work, porn pops up! Did you just go search for porn?

THE JZ RAPE TRIAL

This started of in the NEWS section but got so long that I've put it in another so that people who are bored can skip it. Also I haven't propagated the text with links, but a cursory search of www.iol.co.za will show you everything.

Lots of interesting revelations in the JZ rape trial. Apparently the victim has been raped multiple times before. All by members of the ANC who were living in exile and had some kind of family connection. Once while she was five and twice in her teens. One of the previous accused stated that her mother had "given her to him" by letting her wander around the house "improperly dressed". These men were tried by an ANC court and found innocent of rape, but docked six months pay for having sex with a child. This all came to light when the defense team produced a few pages of an autobiographical manuscript that the victim is busy working on, she had not provided them with this private document and was distressed by the fact that they had it. Now something bothers me here, the rapes in her teen were conducted while living in exile, but where apparently covered up by the ANC because it appears that criminal charges were never brought against these men, the matters seem to have been handled internally by the ANC. Isn't that a little odd? The ANC leadership knew of a crime but it appears that they did not report it to the relevant authorities. Sex with a minor is usually a crime, unless you are somewhere like Mexico, but you can check out the Schpat Dope for more details on that.

The other revelation is that the victim admits to never telling JZ to stop having sex with her, she also admits that she could probably have fought him off but didn't. When asked she told the court that he may have thought the act was consensual. Well JZ's entire defense rests on this. The obvious question is whether lack of complaint equates to consent. In my view it does not. According to testimony the victim had told JZ that she was asleep when he entered her room and offered her a massage (at this point she was lying with her back towards him), he continued to massage her back and she told him to stop. At this point he turned her over onto her back and she saw he was naked, he then took her hands and held them above he head as he straddled her thighs. He placed his knee between her legs to spread them and continued to have intercourse with her. The whole incident took about fifteen minutes. The victim maintains that the shock of seeing a naked man on her bed left her unable to act.

So if the accused thinks it's consensual and the accuser thinks it's rape what should the outcome of the trial be? Well it's all about the reasonable man, would the reasonable man think that the victim was consenting to sex? If the answer is yes then the verdict should be "not guilty". In my opinion no reasonable man could possibly think that being rebuked twice meant "come give it to me daddy!". I hope he doesn't get off, if you'll excuse the pun.

btw: what is the emotocon for rage?

THESE PEOPLE ARE SO RIGHT


THAT'S ALL FOLKS

This section really should be renamed, a movie I watched last night. This time it's "Shade" a movie about people who cheat at poker staring Gabriel Byrne and Sylvester Stallone. This move get a 2 out of 5. Other than showing some truly amazing shuffling and one method for dealing from the bottom of the deck it's totally boring and predictable. The movie sells itself on having great actors and being about poker. If you're interested in poker you'll laugh that the mistakes it makes and if you're not interested in poker you'll find three quarters of the film boring, especially when they make an effort to use as many obscure poker terms as possible, and then explain them to people who should already know what they mean for the audience's sake. The twist was also really predictable, it might have gotten really interesting but I'll never know. My copy of the DVD fucked up three minutes before the end and I couldn't continue watching it, really I'm not upset about it at all.

Enjoy your evening

schpat out

Could You Believe It?

Issue two of proper blogging and everything seems to be going quite well. After seeing what a total letdown Lonely Finger was I need to run another competition to raise the game a bit. So if you have any ideas please let me know. Also if you have any suggestions for imporvements here I want to hear from you too.

THAT POKER HAND

Wow, I can't believe how trully fucking HAWSOME that hand was. Ok that post was sent out at 2:10 am so I didn't post any details, only that ultracool pic! Here's how it went down. I was in the BB and very short stacked when, as you can see, I was dealt AA. Under the Gun (UTG) folded and PinkyOnTour called a raise that would have taken about half my already dwindling stack. Yan1978 called and I pushed all-in. Both pinky and yan called, hands were revealed and I already knew that I had gotten all my money in while I was a substantial favourite. When the flop brought A9A I was like totally blown away. I Trippled by measely T$965 to T$2960, this kept me in the game. Pinky won the side pot with Yan, but I was the big winner here. I'm glad I was on the BB here, in another position a raise might have scared one or both of my callers off, but I pushed at the right time because if I had waited for the flop nobody would have called me. What's interesting is that Yan, even with a stack of about T$6K should never have called the reraise, and definetly not called pinky's raised on the turn, he was just too beat.

I eventually came second when I lost with AJ vs KQ heads up agains Yan, he got a K on the flop.

I promise I wont be posting boring crap about poker every day, it's just that quad A's is just so fucking cool!

Doesn't "ruin269ing" look just like FireGolem?

IN THE NEWS

Some prankster may be facing jail time after pretending to rob a bank. The fact that he did something stupid is one thing, he probably deserves some comunity service or something, but the fact that the bank employeses are pushing for jail time is just ludicrous. Get a fucking snese of humor.

This is yet another example of Crazy. some "historical researchers" are suing Dan Brown for stealing thier ideas in "The Da Vinci Code". Now I don't understand this, two "researchers", Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, are upset because Brown used a lot of the hypothesis in there book Holy Blood and the Holy Grail" as plot points in his work of fiction. kooks like this should be so lucky that a best selling book kindles intrest in thier 21 year old "research", god forbid thier book should sell a few copies. What's more Brown actually credits the book in his text and mentions it as "an aclaimed international bestseller", just more proof that Brown was having everyone on if you ask me. What's even funnier is that one of the characters in "The Da Vinci Code" is name Leigh with a last name of Teabing (an anagrame of Baigent). I'll give you two guesses who the bad guy is, I bet that's really why they're upset. Aparently Richard Leigh even stated on tv that he never believed it to be true thier claims to be true, only a plauasable alternative.

And in Cool News(tm), students in Singapore have developed plants that glow when they need water. How cool is that!

TODAY'S PIC

I'm not all that sure that this is funny, but it is interesting. What the hell are these things? And Why?


THAT'S IT

Well I've posted enough for today. I did watch Laurel Canyon a movie set in LA staring such notables asFrances McDormand, Christian Bale, Kate Beckinsale and Natascha McElhone (the awful women from the abortion that was Solaris). Again this was a movie that made psychiatrists look bad. Coincedence? I think not!

schpat out

I Couldn't Believe it!

Well Believe it, because it's true!



I ended up second in this thing!

I'm Back

Well, I just haven't felt like blogging much, and it shows. Ever since November last year when I abandoned my "Large Posts In Sections" format it's just been very hard to focus and bring the very few readers anything worthwhile. Well, as of this post I'm going back to LPIS format and if you don't like it you can just skip the sections you despise, that's the beauty of the system!! I also want to get about three of these out a week. Anyway here goes.

In this issue Poker, Lonely Finger Revealed, News, Cape Town Power, Funny Picture and More....

POKER TOURNAMENT

Wow. That was my first impression when I got to the Rondebosch scout hall on saturday and saw about one hundred and fifty people milling around. There were so many people that a bunch of them had to be turned away, only a hundred and ten got to play. Then we took our seats, got a little chat from the organizers, and got underway in our games. My next reaction was a solid WOW, just at the quality of play. I was at a table of ten that seemed to have like three professional (by south african standards) poker players at it. It was really scary, everybody bullied! And bullied and bullied and bullied.

The tournament had "rebuys", this meant that if you busted out before the dinner break you could buy another set of chips and keep on playing. The rebuys made people play extremely loose, the table I was at had the most action. The organizers had expected twenty rebuys, five of them went to my table in the first hour. All the rebuys had been sold in the first hour. The "big pro" on my left rebought twice and went out very quickly, obviously the R100 entry fee meant very little to him.

I've already mentioned the bulling. I folded a lot because I had crap hands and I couldn't believe what these folks were playing on, they just had the right attitude. I had a pretty good table image, but I looked very weak, I'd seen a couple of flops and made it look as if I'd been bullied off a decent hand when in fact I had totally missed, I looked like a tight weak player and not the tight aggressive I actually am. I managed to steal a reraised pot after the flop because people thought that if I was betting I had something good, even though I totally missed. Then about ten minutes before the first break I was dealt TT in late position, I was significantly short stacked having lost about a third of my starting chips while the other 7 remaining players had shared out about seven stacks between them. I raised and it was folded to the BB who called. We saw the flop and it came out rainbow rags. That meant I had an over pair and I put the BB on a drawing hand that missed. I raised and he reraised enough to put my all in, about a third of his stack. He'd been playing very aggressively and I'd let him think that he'd scared me off a couple of hands, I knew he didn't have a made hand so I called. I showed him my TT and he showed QTd, without a diamond on the board he'd need to get a Q to beat me, on the flop I'm an 87% favorite. The turn comes out blank and my odds go up to 93%. The Q spikes on the river, what can you do. I smiled, said well done and calmly walked away. The guy who won was just not very friendly and totally acted as if he had done the right thing and had been wining the whole time. Losing the hand didn't really upset me, that shit happens, but the arrogant player who was all like "I'm so cool" was just irritating. If I had won like that I'd at least have admitted that I was lucky, and said sorry.

I survived the rebuys and was about the twentieth person knocked out. I still had fun though, and don't think I did too badly in my first real life encounter with serious poker players, I wasn't ready for this level of play and I hope to do better next time. After the main tournament I managed to get a 10 player R25 Sit 'n Go game going, we played one of those before the dinner break before people wanted the chips for a cash game. I went home and picked up my chips, and Conrad and Yanke, and headed back to play another two 10 player R25 SnG's. I came second in the last one and recovered my SnG losses. Yanke also did quite well in the last game.

I met a lot of really great guys, and a lot of real dicks. The guys who organised the event: Brendan, Simo and Pascal were just totally great. They did an excellent job, organisation was up to schpat standards.

I hear the next one of these is going to be even bigger and will be towards the end of April. Check out www.poker.org.za for more details.

IN THE NEWS

Was the Loch Ness Monster and Elephant? You decide.

You know you're white trash when you have so many family members in prison that it spawns a marketable enterprise.

It's called Tabooboo, it's pink and it dispenses sex toys in bars.

The fact that a mom learned karate to protect her son from bullies is not all that surprising, the fact that her son is twenty two years old is disturbing.

CAPE TOWN POWER

The power issue isn't even in the news anymore. Eskom does have a plan to sort the problem out before winter but the timeline is pretty tight.

Minister of Trade and Industry Alec Irwin was caught lying when he claimed that that Koeberg's problems were caused through "Sabotage". Well he was caught lying again when denying using the word sabotage. He was being recorded for TV at the time and it was simple enough to review the tapes. Do you really want somebody this stupid in charge of Trade and Industry?

Here's the quotey bit:

"I did not use the term sabotage. From every investigation we've done in Eskom and outside it is clear that the bolt was there with a very, very high probability of it being human instrumentality."

Now sabotage is apparently a "term" and not a word. Also wtf is human instrumentality? Does that mean that it would not have happened if someone had not done it? Doesn't that just mean "Human Error"?

TV footage shows Erwin saying:

"This is in fact not an accident. The investigations proceeded well and action will be taken of a legal nature and of a criminal charge nature. Any interference with any electricity installation is an exceptionally serious crime. It is sabotage."

So how do ya like them apples Alec?

The DA is calling for his resignation, I think he should seriously consider trying to influence local government election, and then denying it, a reason to resign.

LONELY FINGER REVEALED

Well it's finally been revealed and despite earlier confidence shown by Def it appears that he was wrong, sorry man I was rooting for you. It appears that the person who was "most right" was totawaste with the following.

"it's a finger-awareness program. we should all feel bad if we let our fingers feel lonely and unloved. and we should wear gloves."

Well you may have been the closest but you weren't very close at all so your prize will be commensurate with your accuracy. Also because you're in bloody Israel I'm not shipping the prize to you, you'll just have to pick up you bag of salty liquorice in person. You do like the black salty stuff right?

LIGHT MEAT?


MORE

Well I'm just signing off here but I'd like to talk about a Scientology plot that I have discovered. This weekend I watched "Garden State", a movie written, directed, and starring Zach Braff who plays JD in Scrubs. The movie was pretty cool, it had great actors (Ian Holm, Natalie Portman, Peter Sarsgaard), a very cool sound track and a decent story. So why was it a Scientologist plot? Well The movie was all about this dude who has lived his whole life heavily medicated on some form of psychiatric drugs, prescribed by his evil psychiatrist father. When he decides to stop taking these drugs many things in his life fall together, he comes to terms with his mother's death and finds love. So why bill this drama as a comedy? Well the Scientologists know that it you know that it's just Scientologic propaganda you'd never go see it. Even if it doesn't actually tout Scientology it's existence in pop culture merely works to strengthen peoples doubts and fears of medicine they don't understand. If the fact that they make many references to Zach Braff being Jewish in the film is not a smokescreen I don't know what is. The movie is also produced by Danny DeVito who, while not linked to Scientology himself, is a close personal friend of John Travolta.

Hah, told you so!

Ok this may seem like irrational conspiracy theory, and it is, but I've tried fighting these kooks with rationality, now it's time to fight crazy with crazy!

schpat out.